Are you feeling guilty about having to ask your boss for maternity leave, even though you’re nine centimeters dilated and crowning? Trust us, you’re not alone! Let’s face it, in today’s economic climate, you’re going to be working up until the very second your baby comes flailing out of your birth canal. And there’s nothing more embarrassing than spilling your sac all over your office floor. So, instead of getting caught with your baby’s head between your legs when your boss walks in asking for something, have your baby in one of these chill parts of your office.
On the Copy Machine
Who ever said giving birth can’t be sexy? Everyone in your office has copied a pic of their butt on the copy machine at least once. Flip this risqué office move on its head and give birth to the sounds of a working Xerox machine. Remember to make lots of copies, too. Your baby will love that their first moments of being born into flashing lights here on Earth are documented in fuzzy black and white photocopies. Afterward, hand one of the copies off to your office crush—it’s a cute way to say, “Hey, buddy, I’m kicking butt over here!”
In Janet’s Office
Your kooky coworker who is always listening to sounds of the rainforest and inviting you to like her holistic healing Etsy shop on Facebook is going to come in handy, if you wish to have your baby in any sort of soothing environment. At least she looks like a doula!
At the Interns’ Table
The whole idea of being an intern is to grab coffees and to learn what to expect from your desired career in the future. What better way than giving them a glimpse of what to expect when they’re expecting? Not to mention, their desire to impress you will likely make them give you all the compliments you need while you’re pushing that baby out! Go you!
At Your Desk
Let’s face it, you’re super backed up at work and you’ve been told that you need to be a better multitasker. What better way to show them you’re taking your job performance review seriously than by taking this opportunity to catch up on emails and updating client files, all while instilling a good work ethic in your newborn baby? Wow, talk about a supermom!
The Break Room
We know you’ve been eyeing the water birth option at your local hospital, but since you won’t be given the opportunity to give birth in the hospital like a goddamn normal person, you might as well take the next best option. Why not have a coworker dump a five-gallon Poland Spring water jug over your baby’s head as he exits your womb? You’re chill as fuck!
In HR’s Office
This option is sure to drive home the point of just how pregnant you are. You might as well kill two birds with one stone and file a complaint about a lack of maternity leave while the person who didn’t grant you the time off looks on in shock.
Smack Dab In The Center Of Your Boss’ Desk
There’s no better way to say, “Hey fuckface, maybe I shouldn’t be here at the office typing up your stupid memos, maybe I should be surrounded by loved ones and trained medical professionals instead” than plopping out an eight-pound newborn baby directly onto their conference notes. Plus, who knows—maybe they’ll give you the rest of the day off when they see how far along you are!
In the Elevator
Come on. This is a classic! Let everyone in the building know how your company is failing you.
There you have it: the best places to go into labor at the office. It’s less depressing if you think of it as a Take Your Baby to Work Day. Good luck trying to find childcare!