So you’ve decided to host a bangin’ holiday bash, but you realize there are a few people you’ll have to invite who you’d rather not see: You know, your greatest enemies. It’s unavoidable, but we’re here to help! These cozy, wintery hot toddy recipes will make your apartment smell great, as the boiling contents burn the throats of those who’ve wronged you. They say to keep your friends close and your enemies closer, so what better way than to invite them into your home, ply them with promises of festive drinks, and watch as they are rendered unable to speak? Here are a few toddies to burn the mouths of your most heinous arch-rivals:
Ginger-Infused Whiskey Toddy
Perfect for: Your ex who brought his new girlfriend without asking.
3 Tbsp. whiskey
1 tsp. grated “Whoops I forgot you were allergic to” ginger
2 drops “I’m totally not” bitters
½ cup water boiling with the heat of a thousand fires
1 Tbsp. “I can hear you in the corner calling your new girlfriend” honey
1 lemon wedge (yourself between them)
Stir and pour it down his mouth just as he starts to ask about your love life.
Bourbon Cinnamon Toddy
Perfect for: Your coworker who almost definitely steals from your box of Cinnamon Life in the break room.
3 Tbsp. bourbon
½ cup water, hot, like the surface of the sun
1 Tbsp. honey
1 passive-aggressive squeeze of lemon
1 cinnamon stick
1 comment about she must like cinnamon, doesn’t she?
Stir and serve in a mug without a handle for maximum skin exposure. They dug this grave themselves!
Perfect for: The girl who’s too in-shape to be any fun.
8 Tbsp. brandy “is a vegan now so we can’t keep yogurt in the office fridge otherwise she freaks out about the dairy industry”
1 toned-as-hell cinnamon stick
1 cup brewed chamomile tea with honey, see Lydia, there’s tea in it, it’s healthy, okay, will you just drink the fucking cocktail? It’s the holidays, for Christ’s sake.
Stir, tell her you learned the recipe from a CrossFit instructor, and watch her struggle to use her burnt up tongue to ask if it’s paleo.
Perfect for: The over-sharer who loves to talk in detail about the time she had sex with your brother.
1 Tbsp. maple syrup
0 Tbsp. whiskey or rum, seriously please, no one give this girl alcohol
17 Tbsp. amaro, for you to drink all in a row, to rid yourself of the image of your brother’s penis
½ cup water hot enough to scald your brain clean
Stir and definitely don’t let your brother serve it to her.
Rum Toddy with Orange
Perfect for: The guy your friend said would be “perfect for you” who won’t stop talking about Bitcoin.
3 Tbsp. rum
1 Tbsp. “I bet I can help you understand Bitcoin, it’s” simple syrup
1 orange twist
½ cup water so scorching hot that he’s rendered unable to mansplain
Use a peeler to get a piece of orange rind while imagining the orange is his stupid face. Stir and watch his tongue burn just as he’s trying to say, “Actually, a real hot toddy has lemon…”
With these five easy recipes in your arsenal, you’ll ensure that your foes don’t leave without a second-degree burn—leaving you enough time to burn up the dance floor! Foiled ’em again!