So you’re walking home alone and worried someone might follow you home and murder you on your front steps. But ever since you and Doug broke it off and your sister had her stupid baby and told you to stop calling her in the middle of the night, having a voice on the other line hasn’t been so easy. Don’t fret! Killers only need to think there’s someone on the other end of that phone who cares about your safety in order to probably not kill you. Striking up a fake convo is only as hard as finding something to talk about. And with these five fake conversation tips to have on your ominous walk home, you’ll never run out of things to say to the silent void on the other end of the line!
1. “We need to talk.”
Nothing makes you more unapproachable than a messy breakup, so why not fake break up with a fake boyfriend tonight? Your potential rapist will feel so awkward even hearing you bitch about how your imaginary BF is “not listening” that he’ll leave you alone for the night. Bonus: This acts a great way to work out any issues you had with Doug. What a great two-for-one deal—therapy AND security!
2. Just speak in tongues.
Try out this special conversation: a convo with GOD. Let it all go and just say what the Spirit wants from you. Interrupting a girl mid-glossolalia is never cool, so you can make it home while avoiding that guy on the corner who keeps making jerkoff motions at you. Plus, the language barrier means no one will be able to tell that conversation was fabricated (except the big man upstairs, of course).
3. “Should I get bangs?”
Literally no person on the face of the earth wants to have this conversation with anyone, so it’s a great one to hash out alone. Follow up with the pros and cons—get wild, play devil’s advocate! You’ll get back to your empty apartment before you can even bring up that time you cut your own bangs sophomore year because you thought you had the same face shape as Zooey Deschanel (you don’t).
4. “Can you believe what happened on the last episode of The Good Wife?”
It’s a known fact that everyone loves the CBS drama The Good Wife, but some of us are a few episodes behind on our DVR. One good way to drive away creeps is by recounting everything that happened in the most recent episode. Chances are, your potential assailant isn’t caught up yet and won’t want to hear spoilers, so they’ll stop complimenting your ass and steer clear instead. Alicia FTW!
5. “You’ll never believe how AMAZING my new GUN is!”
This old technique works like a charm, and you don’t even need to know anything about guns to use it! Just chat away with anything you know or have heard about guns, like, “This new gun is huge, but also fits in my purse right now!” or “It makes such a loud sound when I shoot it!” Have fun with it!
There you have it! Whether it’s the persistent guy at the bar who wants to “walk you home” or the old guy down the street screaming at you from his balcony, there’s always a reason to pretend to be busy on that ol’ iPhone of yours. Feel free to mix and match these suggestions on your walk home to avoid any lulls while staving off weirdos because how awkward would that be?