In recent news, that hot man outside of this coffee shop is so entranced by whatever is happening on his phone, that he is missing me, a hottie, walk by him right now.
“I don’t know what to do,” I text my BFF Liza Crane. “Should I walk by again?”
Despite the fact that Liza is not answering my text, I have decided it only makes sense to pretend like I walked the wrong way and walk back down the street, to give this guy another shot at noticing me.
Sources confirm I am clearing my throat as I walk by him, in an attempt to bring him back to this present moment in which I am standing here, flawless and single, ready to be seen and kissed.
“Don’t walk by him again,” texts Liza, finally. “Did you walk by him again?”
“Of course I walked by him again and he literally will not look up from his phone,” I answered.
Liza has put forth the hypothesis that this bearded man who is not wearing a wedding ring must be doing something time-sensitive on his phone.
“He’s probably answering important work emails or something,” says Liza, in an attempt to reassure me.
Still, I am not comforted, because all signs up until this moment in my life have told me my energy is extremely magnetic and could move someone to look up for a reason they don’t understand until our eyes meet.
The barista at the coffee shop can confirm that I am now walking by two more times, and just realized I am twenty minutes late to work. While this potential love interest is worth being hours late to work for, he doesn’t seem like he’s planning on disconnecting anytime soon.
“I don’t know I just had a feeling about him,” I text Liza. “I just thought if he saw me he’d see an intellectual equal, his life partner, someone he could raise a child with.”
After collecting some data in the form of me sending a picture of this guy to Liza, she sent back an enhanced photo of the mystery man’s phone screen and said, “It looks like he’s playing Animal Crossing.”