Your electronic correspondence is only as good as your email signature. The right font adds the perfect complementary tone to your message, especially when you’re working at a job that you hate but can’t or won’t quit just yet. Here are five classics to use once you’ve realized shoveling horseshit would be more intellectually stimulating and emotionally rewarding than your current job and you don’t care who knows you feel this way.
Nothing says “I’m decomposing in my swivel chair” like the overly serious Engravers MT. It’s an excellent choice of font if you think your job is a dead-end, fluorescent-lit hell, or you have semi-murderous thoughts during staff meetings. The just-polished headstone vibe goes perfectly with the acknowledgment and acceptance of your dying dreams.
The name Braggadocio speaks for itself. Use this font in your signature at 72 points when you forward the response you already sent to the recipient who claims you never sent it in the first place and become as obnoxious as the words you say under your breath about this company.
If you’re feeling disloyal to your place of employment, nothing heightens the tone like the Luminari font, designed with a mysterious come-hither serif sure to make them wonder if you think this stupid job is fancy or if you just think that you’re fancy. The only way to deal with your miserable place of employment is to just keep having fun with your email signature.
Contemporary and fun, Wingdings tells your coworkers to kiss my ass and suck my in a string of quirky nonsensical hieroglyphics. You’ll love the look on their faces as they try to decipher the code that leads nowhere! The grandpappy to emoticons, Wingdings ensures that your boss knows you’re thoughtful enough not to give a damn what that dumb bitch thinks. You are so much smarter than this job.
Ransom looks like mismatched letters cut out from a newspaper. Hold your coworkers hostage with this dumb-looking font. Demand a raise or promotion all with the hopes of getting fired and collecting that fat unemployment check. Either way, nothing says, “I hope harm finds all of you wherever you hide” like Ransom.
Whether your career change is planned or impromptu, ensure that your email signature communicates the same “bitch please” look that you gave to the administrative assistant who reminded you this morning (for the third time) that the purchase receipts go in the green bin. Keep using these fonts until someone higher up notices that maybe you’d be happier somewhere else. Hello, unemployment!