If you have a job and a vagina, then you’ve probably had the urge to cry a work. So, the next time your bottom lip begins to quiver and those tears start welling up, here are the best places to go in your office to let ‘em roll!
Stall in the Women’s Bathroom
If you want to cry at work and gain the support of your office besties, a stall in the woman’s bathroom is definitely the way to go. The stall gives you the perfect view of everyone’s shoes, so you know to turn on the waterworks when one of your friends walks in, and turn them off when that bitch in marketing struts in to reapply her makeup for the fourth time that day.
Stall in the Men’s Bathroom
In need of some unconditional sympathy wrapped in confusion with the possibility of an in-office quickie? Take your sad self to any stall in the men’s bathroom. Once that poor guy from the research department hears you crying in his pee cave, he’ll have no choice but to ask you what’s wrong while he awkwardly wipes away your tears. If you cry just enough to achieve “beautiful sad face,” he just might bend you over for some quick pity sex. Quick tip: let him finish peeing before he hears you.
Greet everyone who visits Synergy Inc. with a pitiful sob, ‘cause let’s face it: this company sucks. Explain to each poor and unsuspecting visitor that the company vacation policy is totally unfair. You may not earn their sympathy, but you’ll never have to work the reception desk again.
Want to pretend you don’t want anyone to ask you why you’re crying? The lunchroom is the perfect place. Since so many people trickle in and out of there all day, see just how many different sob stories you can get circulating amongst your coworkers.
Your Boss’ Office
Workplace meltdowns don’t get any better than when they’re in your boss’ office. The more dramatic your desperate pleas are, the better. Shriek or knock things off your boss’s desk in between loud sobs and you may be on your way to a hassle-free unemployment check or, if your boss is easily manipulated, a guilt-induced raise. Go ahead and cry your cares away; just make sure you leave the office door open.
So try these spots to figure out your own personal office crying style. No matter where you end up, you’ll get some much-needed attention, and that’s all that really matters.