3 Ancient Grains That Will Turbocharge Your Dumps

If you’ve ever eaten quinoa, you already know the secret ingredient our ancestors used to help them blast the greatest deuces known to man. Here are three other ancient grains that have been a cornerstone of the human diet for thousands of years, mainly because they will make you poop like an absolute champion.



This high-protein wheat species, also known as dinkel wheat, has been a staple since the Bronze Age, and will take your whole dumping situation from zero to 60 after just one serving. Spelt will slide through your pipes smoother than silk, and emerge in sturdy logs so well constructed, you’ll want to send a picture to your mom! Awwww, yeaahhhh!!!




One of the first plants to be domesticated, teff is guaranteed to optimize your daily loaf pinch. It has 100% of your recommended daily manganese intake, and is so small it cannot be processed or refined, which must be pretty good for taking a big doodoo. Toss some into soup, a breakfast porridge, or any old meal, before you get ready to completely destroy your toilet with a torrent of ancient deuces. Chyeah!!!




Kamut is twice the size of modern wheat, and guess what—it should double the size of your butt dirt, too. You can use it to make pasta, and then use that pasta to make the most glorious, breathtaking BM in recorded history. This stuff is used in food for camels, so you know the resulting dump will be goddamn turbocharged. It’s nutty, buttery flavor will translate into a heavy nugget that slides right out your butt! Turbodump!!!


If you’re looking to optimize your life by taking your number two game to the next level, shovel some of these wheat-substitutes down your gullet and stay close to the bowl. Surf’s up!!!