We’ve all been there: You check out a new restaurant with high hopes, only to find terrible service, mediocre food, and high prices. It’s not your fault you have standards! Either way, you’re gonna want to get home immediately and write up an unfair, scathing Yelp review, and you’re gonna need your glasses to help you do it. But not just any glasses—some trendy AF Warby Parkers. So here are seven frames that will correct your nearsightedness and make you look trendy while you thoughtlessly rip that small business a new one.
1. Haskell in Crystal with Blue Jay (Warby Parker, $145)
Featuring a “handsome ring of color” around the lenses, this badass clear frame will keep your look poppin’ while you furiously type out a one-star review for the new farm-to-table place that made their own ketchup—“like, don’t be fancy n gross, just give me Heinz, u worthless foodslinging trashbags. LOL.” Because seriously, how dare they? But also LOL, because this is a game to you.
2. Upton in Sea Smoke Tortoise (Warby Parker, $95)
The rectangular lines of these stylin’ frames will compliment any face shape—which is perfect because you will NOT be complimenting the ramen place you and Greg went to. Let’s just say their “noodle dishes had WAY too mch broth. Almost like soupe orsomethin.” 1.5 stars just because you’re nice. And like, you really are nice for that half-star, even if it won’t show up in the actual rating so the restaurant will be affected as though you only gave it one star.
3. Kimball in Whiskey Tortoise (Warby Parker, $95)
With its irresistible vintage shape, the Kimball is described as an “understated charmer”. However this was not the impression you got from the guy who answered that brunch place’s phone to say that they were “closed during the day on weekdays?!?!?!??!” Wear your Kimballs as you rant for four paragraphs on the merits of brunch being “not just for wekends, wtf.” You’ll look cool while you lose your cool!
4. Durand in Saddle Russet (Warby Parker, $95)
These Warbys are round and roomy and make a killer first impression. UNLIKE when you ordered takeout tonight and had to wait 30 WHOLE MINUTES for your order to arrive, despite the delivery window CLEARLY stating “25-30 min”. And frankly, “IT WAS TOO HOT.” Take out your contacts, throw on your Durands, and type that Thai place into the motherfucking ground, cutie!
5. Abbott in Heritage Bronze (Warby Parker, $145)
Looking for an iconic frame that will improve your eyesight, complement your face, and let you get to work raging about how the BBQ place uptown had zero vegan options? Then the Abbott is for you, thank gahd.
6. Maynard in Cortado (Warby Parker, $95)
These glasses are just overflowing with personality…much like how the club this weekend would have been if the “asshole bouncer (who no offense had a stupid face)” would have stopped rambling about a “made-up firecode??” that followed the maximum occupancy standards set by the city code. “So much whtever. And good lukk seeing my fine azz on this dance floor anytime soon. 1 star.” At least you look good right now in those specs!
No matter how much you’ve been wronged by a local establishment, there’s a Warby Parker frame perfect for any perceived injustice. Have fun!
