Drink all the alkaline water you want—it won’t make a difference! Your drop-dead gorgeous mom (who looks nothing like you) didn’t have to worry about skincare routines when she was your age because her DNA contains some kind of magical fountain of youth. Sadly you have your father’s genes, and he looks like he died eight years ago. Here are five amazing anti-aging tips that work well for everyone but you and your shitty-looking dad.
Wear Sunscreen Daily
You don’t leave the house half as often as your mom did when she was a girl (mostly because you don’t have a string of boyfriends like she did), but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t put on some sunscreen! Sure, your mom’s bronzed skin is perfectly taut even after decades of laying out in the sun, but she noticed another line when you smile and is worried you’re taking after your pale father, who had several irregular moles removed this year. So wear sunscreen, even though it won’t help you any more than it helped your father’s unsightly dermis.
Get Enough Sleep
The best thing you can do for your body is give it enough rest. Just four of five hours a night works great for your chipper mom, so try to get seven to eight because you have inherited the Jerry Stiller-like under-eye bags of your father. This still won’t help, even though you work part time and have raised no children—you’ll always look exhausted anyways because you’re your father’s daughter. Just let her pay for a facial already! Why are you so stubborn?
Exercise (Since You Don’t Have Your Mother’s Metabolism)
Exercising just three to four times a week helps most people stay trim and improve their complexion. Sadly, since you take after your father, no amount of exercise is going to make you look as good your bangin’ mother—we don’t even mean when she was your age; we mean now. She’s never gone to the gym in her life and can still fit in her prom dress! You can fit into your prom dress, too, since it was an ironic t-shirt and cargo shorts. Ugh, you are just like your father.
By now everyone knows that smoking is so bad for you, so you won’t look classy or sexy like your mom does in that picture from the 70s where she’s effortlessly perched on the hood of a brand-new Corvette with a Virginia Slim hanging out of her mouth. You’ll just look like the picture of your father with a cigar in his mouth after you were born. Get that beautiful smile back, and as youthful a glow as someone with your father’s genes can have, by putting down those cigarettes!
Stop Drinking So Much Already
Cut back on those Skinny Girl martinis and after-work glasses of wine—who are you, your father? Alcohol dehydrates the skin and can even cause icky broken capillaries in your face, which should sound familiar considering the person who sired you. Since absolutely no part of your early aging face reflects the angelic skin that landed your mother several modeling contracts she didn’t even say yes to, you probably won’t benefit from this tip, but give it a go, anyway.
These are some great anti-aging tips for most people with half-decent genes. But since you take after your badly wrinkled father and not your vivacious mother who gets mistaken for your hot younger sister, these tips aren’t going to do much for you. Sorry!