Anti-Aging Creams That Will Make You Immortal

mask - reductress

Aging is the worst, especially if you have to die at the end of it. Sick of looking and feeling like death? Fight off Father Time with these creams that are so anti-aging, they literally stop aging forever and ever. Though there are a few side effects to living forever, it will be worth it to continue looking like you haven’t lived life yet.


Neutrogena Endless Existence

Effective without being too costly, Neutrogena’s Endless Existence serum is perfect for dry to combination skin that will never rot. This product balances moisture evenly with time-defying oils from newly discovered isles. Side effects may include forgetting to value your time because it is no longer precious and watching everyone you ever love die. Apply once daily for best results and eternal life.


Chanel No.

The latest addition to the collection is Chanel No. ∞. This line runs a bit pricier, but it’s scented with just a hint of the blood of a virgin unicorn. Warning: You will look and smell so appealing that you will accidentally hook up with your great-great-grandson who is now 12 years older than you.


Dior Neverdie

Rich without being too heavy, Dior’s Neverdie is ideal for dry to moderate skin. Enjoy every possible moment of your life looking youthful, but with the glow of someone who has just realized that regular life kind of sucks so life forever might not have been the best idea. Pair with the Neverdie Mask System just to get yourself through the night, every night, forever.



Clinique Apocalypse

Wake up every morning and apply Clinique Apocalypse. The refreshing, tingly feel will distract you from the fact that they said the Apocalypse was coming, but you’ve been trapped on this earth for fucking ever, and society has not improved – Hot Topic stores are still somehow in business!


CVS Brand Eternal Suffering Cream

The CVS Brand Eternal Suffering Cream is the ultimate product for any skin type. Leaving your skin baby-soft and teenager-hot, you won’t even bother being depressed about the fact that eternal life has been boring as fuck, since immortality doesn’t make you richer, smarter, or more talented, it just makes you still there. You’ll feel so gorgeous, it’ll be easier to forget that sex has lost all novelty, and you’ll never be able to leave behind a legacy since you can never leave.


The most important tip with these products is to begin using them young: No one wants to live forever in their mid-40s. Before beginning, consult with your doctor to make sure being around forever is right for you.