Magic Mike XXL made me tingle…in my brain. With thoughts that I just had to put on paper! That blessed movie taught us that all women are queens who deserve enormous, oiled men writhing upon them like sexy snakes. The only way for womanity to thank Channing Tatum properly is by giving him a custom-written epic poem by me. If any of you know how to contact Channing Tatum (and I know you’re out there!!!), here’s why you MUST exploit that personal connection to get him my poem:
Reason #1: Channing Tatum deserves praise.
Sure, his career is through the roof, but Channy Tay-Tay deserves a lot more than just the typical Hollywood adoration. He deserves the honey-sweet words of a creative writing MFA candidate who regularly attends Renaissance faires. He has earned the line, “As his pelvis rocks, so rocks my world.” So can I have his email or…?
Reason #2: The poem imparts valuable Channing Tatum facts.
Did you know he was a producer on Magic Mike XXL? Or that “producer” rhymes with “seducer”? BOOM—you do now. So like, you could text him, or I could just call him. Whichever you prefer.
Reason #3: I respectfully acknowledge the existence of his wife.
I’m not like those other creepy Changirls; I know he has a wife, which is why I included her in my epic poem about her husband. Her name is Jenna Dewan Tatum, and she’s so pretty that I actually have several stanzas guest-starring her. She’s a dancer, too, so things do get a little raunchy, what with her flexibility, and his flexibility, mmm, but that’s what gives the poem deepness and depth. See? I’m respectful of him and his family and can be trusted with those digits.
Reason #4: I have never been convicted of any crime.
No matter what anyone tells you, having a restraining order taken out against you does not constitute a crime. I’ve grown a lot since 2002, and what happened between me and Richard Gere’s lawyers is private. I can now be trusted to get poems to celebs I admire without entering their property, so please, just tell me where to aim this homing pigeon and we’ll be done here.
Reason #5: If you don’t help me get this poem to Channing Tatum, 23 Jump Street may never happen.
My lyrical composition contains an amazing idea for 23 Jump Street. Channing’s character, Jenko, is in the Outback, see, and…well, I don’t want to give too much away. There’s a baby koala bear that he has to nurse back to health, and two scenes where he’s disguised as sexy Einstein. Should I be a screenwriter instead of a poet? This is a question I would ask Channing Tatum if only you would give me his VIN number.
Reason #6: There’s a recipe!
I read that he loves peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with Cheetos stuffed inside. That sounds amazing…but has he considered Flamin’ Hot Fritos instead? They add an element of spice that any manly man would love. My suggestion to add one-half cup of flavor to his life is surely worth you calling his agent. So what if she’s on her boat this weekend? Boats have phones, don’t they?
Reason #7: I don’t have a lot going on right now.
Although my day job is dead end, it’s also boring. Getting this poem to Channing Tatum would change everything! Right? That’s what my professor said when she read most of it. She might have been joking, but still, I need this. Please just tell me his daughter’s pediatrician’s mailing address like a normal person and stop judging me!
So please, from one movie theater masturbator to another, help me get this poem to Channing Tatum.