How Fighting Those Chainsaw-Wielding Psychopaths Saved My Toxic Marriage


Not long ago, my marriage was in serious trouble. After years of bitterness, neglect, lies, and broken promises, Dale and I found ourselves constantly fighting, or else sitting in uncomfortable silence at opposite ends of the couch. I knew Dale was looking into divorce lawyers, and I’d googled, “How much earlier do men die again?” more than once. Then, something wonderful happened—something that saved our marriage. It wasn’t counseling, or even an honest conversation about our resentment and frustration. It was a night spent battling backwoods murderers, and I couldn’t be more grateful.


We were like so many toxic couples. I felt betrayed by his wandering eye and annoyed by his persistent joblessness, and Dale was angry about my overspending and casual day drinking. We were utterly lost, having forgotten the things that had drawn us to each other in the first place. But we remembered. We found love again in the most unlikely place: the forest, which we sprinted through in terror, pursued by the mutated inhabitants of a spooky farmhouse. He’d never been more attractive to me.


Rekindling your love is about saying ‘yes’. When my car broke down in front of a dilapidated house, I said ‘yes’ to knocking on the door. Sure, there were three grotesque psychopaths on the other side, waiting to turn my husband and I into a roast. But the sound of their chainsaws almost made me forget that Dale once yelled, “Try to make yourself presentable before the Chestersons get here tonight!” before he left for the gym.



While it is challenging and requires hard work, fighting chainsaw-wielding psychopaths will give your guy a chance to show off his tough side (so sexy!). I nearly came in my panties when Dale overpowered the one with no pupils and chain-sawed his legs off so we could get away. Plus, it really put things in perspective. As the blood spurted from the psycho’s stumps, I finally forgave Dale for teasing me about my fancy tea collection in front of his friends.


A night of traumatic horror also provides you with an opportunity to show your guy a whole new side of yourself. You should have seen Dale’s face when I fought off Junior with an ax I found in the shed. When you swing an ax into the face of a cannibalistic mutant, your husband’s eyes will say, “I’m sorry I called you a cunt that one time. I was drunk. I love you.” Just like that, our seemingly insurmountable problems were washed away in a tide of killer hillbilly blood.


Take it from me, people. If your relationship is on the rocks, you and your partner should really consider stumbling upon a family of inbred sadists together. Dale and I did, and we’ve never been happier. But, I’m a little worried it won’t last. That’s why, when I found porn on Dale’s computer last week, I put a down a deposit on a haunted house. I figure it’s the only thing guaranteed to keep the spark alive forever.