As the threat of winter vortex hangs in the air like a stale cloud of Shalimar trailing behind your supervisor, Sue, it’s time to think of strategies to avoid embarrassing accidents when you’re out on the slick streets and sidewalks. Instead of becoming an ice-fearing shut-in this season, here are some helpful tips to sex-up that unavoidable wintertime tumble instead:
Wear inappropriate shoes. Being fashionable isn’t about comfort (or safety), and you don’t want to hag it up in some dykey Gore-Tex waffle-stompers. Wear your most vertiginous heels and savor the gasps of passersby as you slip gracefully through the air and onto your tailbone.
Be over-confident. Showing the world that you are a dynamic and decisive person comes down to even the smallest details. Don’t be tentative when you step out onto that questionable patch of sidewalk. Really bear down and own that black ice. You may have a dislocated shoulder, but not a dislocated sense of sensuality.
Go commando. Your exposed snatch might stick to the ice, but a certain hunky passerby might thaw you off the sidewalk in front of that Burger King. If no one is around to witness your cheeky flash and offer a manly forearm to grip, sit still and sing “Let it Go” from Frozen to yourself. That always gets your juices flowing for some weird reason.
Slip like nobody’s watching. In the moment that you find yourself flailing through the air, just go with it, girl. Scream some obscenities, fart, and do your best to protect your face and head. It’s this kind of honesty that brings out our hot, sexy selves–and sends that saucy minx to the emergency room.
Aim high. If you’re going to slip on ice this winter, don’t do it in a lame place like your house or the grocery store. Do your best clumsy baby-deer-walk outside of a hospital or ritzy law office. Even if you don’t snag a handsome professional to come to your rescue, take you out for a drink, and eventually put a ring on it, you’ll at least be somewhere that can provide you with medical or legal advice.
Showcase your giant ass. Embrace every opportunity to fall, and when you get up, remark loudly that your ample assets have (literally!) saved your tail. Be sure to coat your huge badonkadonk with a liberal coating of vegetable shortening for maximum slide-age and shine.
With these tips, we know you’ll turn a common winter hazard into a sexy-fun game of courtship and seduction. Just remember to don a cute hat and some waterproof mascara to hide the tears, and go out there and get low!