We all know that yoga is a great form of exercise, as well as a wonderful way to de-stress, re-center ourselves, and detoxify our lives. These poses will tone your muscles, open up key joints, and also make it so that your enormous breasts come swinging down right onto your face, smothering you as punishment for even trying to exercise. Give these poses a try at your own risk!
1. Downward Dog
A classic pose that you’ll learn in any beginner class, Downward Dog is a great pose to stretch out the hamstrings and lower back, build core strength, and warm up the glutes. It’s also great for getting gently and lovingly smothered by your own breasts as they swing into your face. Don’t forget to breathe!
2. Forward Bend
Another elemental pose, the forward bend is key for opening up the shoulders and upper back, as well as loosening arm joints. It’s great for stretching the neck and – oof, wow you just got hit in the face with your own titty, didn’t you? Probably should have shelled out for the heavy-duty sports bra!
3. Shoulder Stand
The Shoulder Stand, otherwise known as the delightful ‘Candlestick Pose’, is a wonderful pose to stretch the spine, to work the legs and abdominals, and is beneficial in helping with menstrual cramps. But watch out because if you have bra size bigger than a D, you’re literally just asking for a face full of titty! Gravity is a cruel mistress. Also don’t forget to breathe!
A more advanced pose, the headstand is one of the great inversion poses, which do wonders for flushing out the limbic system. Your teacher will guide you through this pose, often having you begin by placing your feet on a wall, bracing your shoulders with a folded rug, covering your mouth and nose with those ten-pound boob-anvils. Is this just happening to you? Why isn’t anyone else having this issue?!
5. Plow Pose
Plow Pose is considered an advanced technique, and it may take many months, or even years, for yoga practitioners to work up to. Once it is performed, however, it has magnificent effects in stimulating the thyroid, easing backaches, headaches, and sinusitis, and also for letting your unholy sweater-demons truly smother you, once and for all. Finally, it’s time to die!
6. Head-to-Knee Forward Bend
This relaxing pose is perfect for stretching the hamstrings, shoulders, spine, and groin. It strengthens the back muscles, stimulates the liver and kidneys, and GAH NO I CAN’T BREATHE I CAN’T BREATHE IM TOO YOUNG TO DIE PLEASE GOD, LUCIFER, WHOEVER YOU ARE RELEASE ME FROM THIS BOOBY HOLD!!
So there you have it – six amazing yoga poses to help you stretch, strengthen, and smother you like some kind of terrifying, sweaty flesh-demon!