Getting off can be so hard sometimes. Don’t let your partner’s incompetence get you down. Take a little advice from Martha Stewart and Country Living: do it yourself! Here’s how to combine your love of crafting with your desire for orgs.
1. Tin Can Reading Lamp
Who doesn’t love to get cozy on the couch with a torrented copy of Pride & Prejudice, a warm wool blanket, a cup of Earl Grey tea, and a vibrator? After you work yourself up crafting this tin can reading lamp, you can get the lighting just right for getting off while simultaneously imagining Colin Firth going down on you.
2. Natural Laundry Detergent
Making your own biodegradable laundry detergent never felt so dirty! Once you’ve finished mixing up a batch of fresh lavender detergent, throw about ten towels in, set the washer to heavy duty, sit on top of said washer, and let Kenmore do the rest.
3. Mason Jar Christmas Light Lantern
This one almost seems TOO simple. And that’s because it is. But sometimes, simple and straightforward is all you need to round the point of no return. You’ll be wet just picking out the mason jar from your kitchen cabinet, “oh my God, so close” stuffing those lights in a jar, and finished before you can even plug those babies into the wall. Some people may think it’s weird that you get off to two-step DIY home crafts, but hey—don’t look a gift orgasm in the mouth!
4. Plastic Bottle-Legged Bed
How many times have you thought to yourself, “What am I going to do with all these two-liter bottles besides recycle them?” Fret no more. Use those bottles of RC Cola, Canada Dry, and Crush to prop up your bed. Boom—DIY shock absorbers for your nightly humpathon. Squirt’s not only a tasty hybrid of Sprite and 7UP; it’s something you can do yourself!
5. Rustic Twig Frame
When you really need to relieve some tension, try reconnecting with nature. Wander around your local park or neighborhood and collect some twigs that remind you of who you were before all the mess, back when you were younger, simple, and free. Bring those tiny branches back to your house, whip out the hot glue gun, and start making a square. The gentle, repetitive motion of gluing in a geometric shape will prime you for the final step: Paste in the photo of the Joe Boxer model from page 3 of last Christmas’s Target circular. Mmm, memories…
6. Felt Ball Wreath
The best way to get your hot mail carrier to knock on your door is to make that door look as alluring as possible. Buy a wreath from your local wreath store and glue soft, sensual felt balls on it—this will subtly remind him of his own balls. Your mailman will be knocking down your door to know where you bought that amazing, ball-like ball wreath. And when you tell him that you made it, he’ll have no choice but to quit his job and pleasure you for the next 72 hours. Thanks, UPS!
Remember to have fun, and don’t worry if your project doesn’t turn out exactly how you imagined. Practice makes perfect!
