How to Play Off the Fact That Those CPR Illustrations Make You Horny

We’ve all been there: You’re going through your biannual CPR certification when suddenly you realize that all of those illustrations of two people frenching (or, performing life-saving CPR, WHATEVER) are totally turning you on. Uh oh! Since that’s super embarrassing and slightly inappropriate, we’ve got some tips that will help you hide how horny these CPR diagrams are making you right now.

 

Bring up politics.

There you are, admiring an illustrated poster on how to perform CPR, when BLAMMO—you’re wetter than that succulent you just watered to death. It’s important that no one can tell just how heated things are getting in your pants, so a great tactic is tearing your eyes away from the gentle way that cartoon man is tilting the woman’s chin up to clear her airways and asking the nearest person to you who they are voting for. Easy!

 

 

Declare how horny it doesn’t make you.

Who knew how sexual a basic drawing of one stranger admitting rescue breaths to another stranger could be? Not you—at least, until you took a closer look at the first aid handbook at work. If someone happens to notice that foreplay-flush in your cheeks, a helpful way to play this off is to exclaim how asexual you find these illustrations to be. Try, “Oh man, this would never get me going!” Or, “These illustrated instructions for saving a life do NOT make me wet at all, am I right, everyone?” It’ll work like a charm!

 

Secret handshake time!

You know the one illustration where they check the victim to see if he or she is breathing? Of course you do: it’s basically your entire sexual orientation. Do you see how close the one person’s ear gets to the other person’s mouth? God, what you wouldn’t give for someone to hit the deck right now. Your job now is to be strong and not let anyone see how revved up your engine is while imagining doing this to someone in the checkout line at Stop & Shop. A surefire approach for this is to raise your hand and ask about all the diseases one might contract while giving rescue breaths without a barrier device. By the time that EMT is done with her disgustingly long list, you’ll be back to a 0 on the horny scale—which, actually, is about right for a CPR class.

 

Discuss The Big Bang Theory episodes.

Hey it’s not your fault that those illustrations of chest compressions are basically softcore porn! But since you really need to complete this certification, you’re gonna have to distract from your arousal by talking through some plot points of the least-sexual show ever: The Big Bang Theory. Even just hearing the name “Sheldon” should put out the smoldering groin-fire that was being stoked by all of those blatant mouth-to-mouth diagrams. You got this!

 

 

Burn the evidence.

If you’re having a hard time convincing those around you that you weren’t the one who tore the break room poster off so you could take a closer look at it in bed later, just destroy the proof. It’s not like anyone can scientifically prove that images of delicate vital-checking turns you into a total horndog. You’re fine, girl!

 

At the end of the day, don’t let the rampant lust-level of those illustrations distract you from how nice it is that you’re learning how to save a life. Once you get that certification in hand, treat yourself to a hot bubble bath—with your laminated CPR chart, of course!