All hail the summer sling purse! ‘Tis the season for convenient, hands-free bags that are large enough to fit all of your essentials and that, when slung over your body, can take out a small pre-teen with just one pivot. Here are our faves:
Sonoma Goods For Life Bucket Crossbody (Kohls, $60)
This crossbody bag features the rotund, bucket shape perfect for knocking any tween off their balance as soon as you hear one refer to the 90s as “vintage.” With drawstring and magnetic closures, none of your valuables will ever fall out when you make sudden swings to smack youths right in the chest. Style!
Reversible Faux Leather Crossbody Mini Tote (Nordstrom, $38)
Sure, this mini-tote may be full of your old receipts and dried-out lip glosses, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t use the long strap to position it on your hip in just the right way so that any entitled tween trying to shove past you on the train gets a swift smack. For added emphasis, try screaming, “Respect me as your elder!!!!”
Morgan Leather Messenger Bag (Michael Kors, $136)
Want a hands-free bag with a streamlined silhouette? Want to knock over an 11-year-old who probably has a more impressive social media presence than you? Then this is the perfect bag, cutie! Remember, these brace-faced wastes of space have never even heard the sound of dial-up internet, so rage on!
Fringe Leather Crossbody (Treasure&Bond, $88.80)
Get your fashionable fringe fix while also leveraging the size of this crossbody to purposefully thwack a tween when you’re overcome with fury about your lost youth. WERK!!
Parabole Vegan Leather Crossbody Bag (Matt & Nat, $78)
Don’t let the smaller size of this on-point saddlebag fool you: Thanks to an adjustable strap, this crossbody bag is perfect for your favorite after-school game, “Hurting Tweens.” They were literally born after 9/11!
Remember, nothing screams “style” or “don’t roll your eyes at me!” like a carefree, crossbody sling. So get out there and hit the streets, you vigilante fashionista!