If the holidays have you down, or your tenuous job situation, or your flailing relationship(s) or lack of savings or limp hair or seasonal affective disorder or flabby upper arms or your friend who doesn’t like you anymore because you eat sugar, you’re not alone! But there is one thing that you can try, if you have the budget for it and if you actually got invited to a New Year’s party, and if there’s at least a 2% chance that you might actually go—go buy a sparkly shirt. Right now. No, research hasn’t yet shown that a sparkly top can actually give you the hope to keep going. But it could. Maybe. Anyway what have you got to lose? Nothing, and everybody knows it. So why not try one of these shimmery cries for help?
A Sequined Tank Top
A classic stand-by! Silver and gold are elegant and popular color choices, but you could technically choose any color if you want to broadcast that you’re inches away from just completely fucking losing it. Whatever color you choose, a sequined top will reflect the light in a thousand different directions, kind of like what your mind does with your thoughts when you try to conquer the infinite and insurmountable sorrows we shoulder in this life, a life which ultimately ends in death anyway, so why bother with anything, really, except for the fact that in the meantime, sequins are kind of neat. So at least there’s that!
Gold Lamé Batwing
Perfect for that special night you feel like looking like an Arby’s roast beef sandwich. This shirt is so bad, it will make everything else in your wardrobe look good—even the pants you call your “dress sweats”, which isn’t fooling everyone because everyone can still see that you’re wearing regular sweatpants, pretty much all day every day, because you’ve totally given up on everything, even applying for jobs. Oh right, but you haven’t tried a light box yet for your SAD. Maybe you should get one of those. If nothing else, this shirt might give you just enough hope to do the Google research you need to do to choose the right light box to put in your Amazon cart and never buy.
Something With That Metallic Thread Woven Through It
This knit top is going to be wretchedly itchy, but then again, maybe a mock hair shirt is exactly what you need and deserve. A chronic, low-level discomfort could be just the thing to wake you from your deep spiritual stupor and jump-start the next disappointing chapter of your life—or at least think, about changing the sheets!
A Beaded Turtleneck
This item might be just as difficult to find as your lost sense that life is worth living. But like they always say, it’s not the destination that matters—it’s the journey. So go ahead—try to find a beaded turtleneck, you know, not the brown one with no sleeves that barely has any beads on it—we’re talking full neck-to-waist beading. Probably nobody else will be wearing the same thing at whatever party you’re invited to, if you are indeed invited to a party (are you?) so at least that’s something you can feel good about—or is it?
Bedazzled Bra Top
Congratulations, you no longer care about anything! With nothing but a hot glue gun and a handful of spangles, this look can be yours in minutes. What’s more, this top is actually kind of fun, if you can even remember what that is. Probably not, but that’s okay. You don’t have to be fun anymore when your shirt can do it for you. Besides, this is definitely the time in your depression to act out sexually, so go for it!
So you’re not sure what to live for anymore—join the club! The sparkly top club, that is! When your sense of personal agency has flown south with the Canadian geese, don’t completely despair. Just mostly despair, and reach for something itchy and festive that will fall apart after one wash. Happy holidays!