5 Pairs of Earrings That Say ‘There’s Metal in My Flesh’

These days, interesting jewelry is an absolute must if you want to stand out as an individual who also participates in an accepted practice of bodily mutilation. The right earrings can be crazy glamorous and also aren’t stigmatized in our current social paradigm for female appearance standards, which is super chill! Not sure where to start? Here’s a list of five ultra-stylish pieces of metal to force into your skinholes day after day!

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Bohemia Feather Antique Silver Earring (Amazon, $14)

Your parents listened to the Grateful Dead sometimes growing up, and you’re proud of that! Also, they took you to a Walmart on your first birthday to open up a hole in each of your ears, and they’re now unable to heal! Might as well fill ‘em up with these sexy metal feathers, because you love nature and fashion!



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Sterling Silver Starburst Diamond Cut Hoop Earrings (Amazon, $35)

Va-va-voom! Wow, that’s fun to say! And you’ll surely hear it said a LOT when you decide to insert these head-turners into your earlobes! These are perfect if the statement you’re going for is, “My husband is a very important man.” But what they’ll mostly say is that you’ve penetrated your ear with a cheaply crafted yet immense ring of metal.


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Cutout Triangle Drop Earrings (Forever 21, $4.90)

These sexy, economical, and downright China-manufactured earrings go a long way with fans of isosceles triangles! Not to mention they are also pieces of alloy with which you can puncture your ear flesh. What a good look for a female human of some status!



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Aokdis Hot Womens Lady Crystal Marquise Cut Teardrop Wedding Earrings (Amazon, $3.49)

How do you feel about shoving metal into your epidermis? You do it daily? Then these ~wOwzA~ hanging numbers will make you happy as all get-out! Command the attention of the room, positive or not, with these purplish rhinestone statement-makers! These charming baubles are ideal if you want to let the world know that you would have sex with a wizard! They’ll also be dangling from your skin, which for some reason isn’t unusual. And thank goodness for that!


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Ball Stud Earrings 14K Yellow Gold (Blue Nile, $60)

Last but most certainly not least come these pointy balls to drive into the tissue of your auricle! Look how shiny and spherical, like any good head decoration! These simple studs are for when you don’t feel like having ornaments hanging from your head, but you still want to coerce some gold into those gross, chronic wounds in your ears. They stand out wonderfully if the skin around them is red and swollen! (If they stay that way, you might have an infection.) Sexy, sexy, sexy!


And there you have it: Five decorative needles to show everyone you are female and have holes in your flesh. These tiny ear-swords can stab your head flaps every day! Have fun!