Yes! You finally have a boyfriend! Time to break out the sexy underwear normally reserved for laundry day when you have no other choice of what to wear. But has it been so long you broke them out that moths have chewed holes in them? You don’t need to go and spend a whole week’s paycheck at Victoria’s Secret to still look sexy for your new man! Here are a few ways to make the holes in your undies you lost your virginity in seem brand-new and purposefully full of holes.
Tell Him It’s Lace
Lace is fabric with holes in it. You are also wearing fabric with holes in it. We guess that means you’re wearing lace! Guys barely notice anything; how will he know it’s not lace? Just call him silly when he asks you why the holes are in weird, patchy places. He’ll feel dumb and he’ll never know the difference!
Make More Holes
Give your knickers the “distressed chic” treatment by tearing them up in multiple places. Adding even more holes might seem counter intuitive, however this cheap and easy DIY trick gives the illusion that the holes were a conscious choice by the designer. People buy jeans with rips in them, so why not underwear? You’re cheap and nice panties are surprisingly expensive, so go ahead—make the problem the solution!
Mutter Something About “Semi-Crotchless”
There’s a hole in crotchless panties and these panties have a hole in the crotch. That’s close enough! Even if the hole is on the side-butt, there’s probably someone out there who would want that kind of access for some weird kinky reason. Who says it can’t be you?! Again, who is he to question your authority that this isn’t a thing?
Say It’s From Doing S&M
Is he really pushing the “maybe you should get new underwear” thing? This two-in-one trick will make it look like you have a wild side and make him feel like he’s not living up to your sexy, crazy past! High five! He’ll either slink away dejected, or you’ll have a crazy night in the sack and might even be getting some more holes torn in those $14.50 panties, if you know what we mean!
Try to Make Moths Sexy
Maybe just admit that the one pair of ruffled hip-huggers you own are riddled with holes from moths. That could be cool, right? Tell him that moths are like more badass butterflies. You’re a down-to-earth girl who doesn’t give a fuck! Hot. Spend some time online trying to increase SEO for “moths are sexy.” It just might work!
If all else fails, just throw these away and wear no underwear. Guys don’t really ask too many questions at that point and you are not forking over the cost of a nice meal for one stinking pair of undies!