Every relationship has its bumps in the road, like money, fidelity, or being imaginary. But if your romance displays any of the following five signs, chances are, your relationship is over because it never existed. Break out the tissues; it’s over, girlfriend.
It’s like he’s not even there, because he isn’t.
Sure, it’s healthy to have some space in a relationship, but if you and your guy go days, weeks, months, years, or a lifetime apart, take it as a sign that you’re about to order room service for one at the Heartbreak Hotel.
The thrill is gone and/or never arrived.
At the beginning of your relationship, you found every little thing exciting, like when he first smiled at you and everyone in else the room, or that one time he Facebook poked you in 2006. But now you’ve fallen into the same old dull routine of Googling him, endorsing him on LinkedIn, and refreshing WhitePages.com to see if he’s finally made his mailing address public. That thrill–if you could even have called it a thrill–is gone, girl. Hope you like ice in your drinks, ‘cause your relationship is definitely on the rocks!
You have incompatible interests and ideas of reality.
Members of a healthy relationship share similar interests and fundamental understandings of what is and isn’t real. Have you noticed that lately you two want to do totally different things while operating with irreconcilably different perceptions of what “relationship” means? For instance, does he like to go out to sports bars with longtime friends you’ve never met, while you prefer to stay in to cuddle his Facebook profile glowing indifferently from your laptop? If so, welcome to Cry Town, U.S.A., population: You.
He ignores your input on major decisions, like who to date.
In the early days of your love story, he consulted you about all kinds of things: “Excuse me, where’s the bathroom?” “Did you sign the attendance sheet yet or should I pass it the other way? “Is your roommate single?” But ever since you graduated from college more than six years ago, he hasn’t bothered to get your opinion on major decisions like career changes, where to live, and the choice of his last five non-you girlfriends.
You’re not his plus-one for big events, like his wedding.
A good partner will want you by his side for life’s special moments, like when he stands up in front of all your non-mutual friends and pledges his undying love and fidelity to a person who looks different than you and has a different name and is likely not you. If he acts like he doesn’t even notice you just behind the holy water font in the back of the church, it’s a sure sign that you are on a one-way road to Splitsville. To top it all off, he spends pretty much the whole night dancing with that human Skinny Vanilla Latte, Jennifer, even though you’re wearing a much prettier wedding dress than she is.
If any of the above describes your relationship, it is definitely done-zo because it was never begun-zo. There’s nothing left for you to do but cry, eat a pan of brownies, and get certified as a medical records technologist so you can access his newborn daughter’s birth certificate and secretly change her last name to yours.
After that, move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and they won’t even see you coming.
