5 Rehabs That Are Really Spas

It’s no secret that the rich and famous have access to the most coveted rehabilitation centers in the country.  And several of these clinics also qualify as the world’s top spa resorts. For a sumptuous experience at the expense of your wealthy parents, here are a few reasons you might try getting a little too into coke this year:


1. Promises- Malibu, CA

“When I first checked in, I was shaken,” says a graduate of Promises. “Getting up early to claim a pool chair was a challenge, and adjusting to a new masseuse was emotional for me. But eventually I developed a relationship with Noor and eased into his deep-tissue technique.” Guests keep slipping up to come back for Noor in particular, whose specialty hot stone massages have everyone addicted. “Also, he has weed.”


2. Wonderland- Los Angeles, CA

“Our $23 piña colada might seem steep, but it’s because we use aged Mauritian rum,” says bartender Theo Luxe of Wonderland, where guests are even allowed to keep their souvenir glasses. Guests uneasy about confronting their demons head on will appreciate the strict no AA-meeting policy. “They’re stressful and we don’t do stressful,” beams Luxe. “We do recovery.”


3. Cirque Lodge – Sundance, UT

For those craving isolation, Cirque Lodge is a fabulous option. “When Mary-Kate Olsen was here, we locked her a ski chalet with a working fireplace and a cold-plunge pool,” says a concierge. The latter feature has been essential in the recovery of several starlets. “Lindsay Lohan said it singlehandedly cured her,” the concierge recalls. “That was 2006. She’s since been back. Can’t beat that Utah weed.”


4. Crossroads – Antigua

Perhaps the strictest center listed, this island outpost follows a stringent 12-step treatment plan. “Everyone here comes in with the driest skin!” says Shennel, a self-proclaimed “skin woman” on the island. “Step one is deep breath. Step two is cold shower. Step three is to moisturize. Step four is hot shower. Step five is to re-moisturize. And then you repeat ‘til you hit 12.” Crossroads has little concern with issues related to substance abuse. “This island is all about skin!”


5. Passages – Malibu, CA

“We have a zero tolerance policy for bullshit,” says CEO Tracy Green. “If you come to Passages, you’re going to leave a changed person. You’re going to commit. You’re going to flourish. And you’re going to get better at beach volleyball.” The only rehab center with an organized competitive sport, Passages also boasts the highest relapse rate of any rehabilitation center. “I think it’s the game. I really do,” boasts Green. “Also, we have weed.”