Beach sex season has officially ended, which means its time to hustle your vag out to the next best wettest alternative: Jacuzzi sex. Like sex on the beach, it’s dirty, naughty, and nearly certain to give you a UTI! Who cares? It’s hot! Here are five hot tub moves so smoldering, they’ll leave you with a weeklong burning sensation in your hoo-ha!
This move is so dirty, it’ll take some heavy duty antibiotics for your snatch to recover! Sit him directly in front of the hot tub whirlpool. Then climb on top and gyrate madly. The whirlpool will massage his balls, and send a tidal wave of germ-ridden water on a one-way flight up your lady hole. Once he finishes, don’t just leap up to empty your bladder of possible infection sources. Instead, sit there and listen to him tell you some dumb shit about his feelings, since now is when he’s at his most vulnerable—just like you will be in 12 hours!
2. Hydroponic Venus Fly Trap
While he’s pounding you recklessly, surprise him with a spontaneous Kegel pulse, squeezing his penis and the thousands of Jacuzzi bacterial colonies currently inside you. The sensation will send him straight to orgasm, and catapult an army brigade of foreign germs deep into the caverns of your urethra. Girl, you so bad!
3. The Stinging Eel
At this point, your va-jay-jay is basically just a petri dish for an apocalyptic infection. Give it a nice break by focusing on his needs again! Grab his D firmly with both hands and twist in opposite directions like you don’t hate it for being a germ-ridden fire hose. Try to enjoy this position—you’ll be doing a lot of it once the familiar pelvic pain of your UTI sets in!
4. Tantric Itch
Lean over the edge of the Jacuzzi, and have him shlump it in from behind. This position lets his strokes penetrate more deeply, like the intense, intimate consultations you’ve been having with your local pharmacist (He’s not judging you for your chronically itchy cooter, he’s just worried that it’s become the stomping grounds for a new civilization of single-cell organisms.)
5. Dirty Cranberry
Give him a nice, mid-coitus prostrate poke to remind him how sexy this whole ordeal is! Stick a slightly shriveled finger up his bumbum and wiggle it. Eventually, his muscles will spasm in pleasure, much like your bladder will spasm in misleading urges to pee for a subsequent fortnight. Follow with a refreshing vodka cran like the erotic mermaid you are!
Half of unleashing your inner sex goddess is learning to cope with the UTIs, and there’s no surer way to learn that then from some good old-fashioned jacuzzi sex! Have fun!