So you finally got asked out by the hot neighbor guy, and it only took two days of nude sunbathing on your deck. Score, girl! Now that the big D is upon you (no, not dick; date!), don’t screw it up by making any one of these five common first date mistakes which would never be made by female emcee extraordinaire Nicki Minaj. She would never take a sexy fella to the miniature dollhouse furniture museum, and you shouldn’t either.
Mistake #1: Not Showing Off That Ass
Grammy winner Nicki Minaj is many amazing things—like showing off that fat ass, and God bless her for it. On your first date, get his mind in the right place by wearing something that fits tightly across those cheeks. If you don’t have a glorious, fat ass, fake it by wearing jeans with creative pockets, or maybe exercise your glutes more. Kidding! Just eat a cupcake.
Mistake #2: Having Non-Famous Anus
Speaking of butts, our petite spitfire Nicki is famous for many reasons, some of them hidden from the harsh glare of the paparazzi. I’m talkin’ anus, as in her line from “I’m Legit”: “I’m like really famous, I got a famous anus.” If your balloon knot can’t keep up with her supreme example, then you have work to do. Wax your ass, shellac it, maybe even bejewel that be-butthole. Take out an ad in your local newspaper, using enticing words like “unparalleled,” “gymnastic,” and “available with a three-drink minimum.” If you advertise it, he will cum!
Mistake #3: Accepting Sliced Pickles on a Motherfuckin’ Board
Heed our queen’s wisdom: “So if I turn up to a photoshoot and you had—you got a fifty-dollar clothes budget and some sliced pickles on the motherfucking board, you wanna know what? No, I am gonna leave.” And so should you. First date picklebacks? Leave. He turns up in a car you have to power with your feet, like Fred Flintstone? Leave. The clothing budget he offers is anything less than a hundo? Insulting. Shit, you can hardly buy an ugly 90s-style dress from Urban Outfitters to wear on the second date for a hundred dollars! You deserve only the best, just like Nicki.
Mistake #4: Not Writing What You Spit
If Nicki Minaj raps it, that means she wrote it, meaning—don’t pull a Cyrano. I know it’s tempting to have your clever buddy feed you sexy first date lines like “uh huh,” and “that’s fascinating, tell me more about your gym routine” through an ear piece, but don’t do it! Have the integrity to concoct your own banter. Also, Nicki would never tell him his gym routine is fascinating. Because it’s not. Unless he’s Tom Hardy.
Mistake #5: Not Ordering Rich Bitch Sauce
In Nicki’s song “Boss Ass Bitch (Remix),” Nicki advises us all the ways she, and we, can become bosses. One of these ways is to order rich bitch sauce with your first date meal (“When I’m at the restaurant, rich bitch sauce”). Insist on a restaurant that makes it from scratch—bottled rich bitch sauce is not acceptable to real boss ass bitches who are also rich bitches. As he flirts with you over dinner, savor your rich bitch sauce, roll it around on your tongue, feel yourself swell with richness, bitchness, and boss-ass-ness. Once you’re filled with the spirit of the Minaj, you won’t even need him anymore. If he’s shit in bed, you can make love to yourself—sauce on the side, or you’ll grease up your sheets.
When in doubt on a first date, or for life in general, put your thinking cap on and consider, “What would Nicki Minaj do?” (FYI, your thinking cap should be a pink wig.)
