Sometimes you fantasize about the handsome man you saw at the swanky bar downtown, sipping a Chivas rocks at the end of the bar. You wonder if he was even real. And yet, you know he’ll be there tonight. He always is. You’ve waited all week for a glimpse of his square jaw (you pray it’s a non-shaving day; his stubble kills you), his salt-and-pepper hair (so distinguished!), and his big, strong arms; the outlines of which are visible even through his suit jacket. Tonight is the night you’ll catch his steely eye.
Also, though, you are so tired. You’ve had a long day, and if you’re being honest with yourself, you’ll probably just eat a canned soup and curl up with a Joyce Carol Oates short story collection. Here are four ways to get the mystery man at the bar to notice you when you’re at home reading:
Ask a friend to slip him your address.
Look, there was no way you were going to make it out tonight; the pull of a little someone named Jane Austen was just too strong. But that doesn’t mean you need to surrender your chances of finally talking to Mr. Kind Eyes! Ask your friend who is going out to wordlessly slip your future man your home address. Hopefully he’ll be romantic (and just a tad creepy!) enough to leave the bar, travel to your house, and knock on your door, where you’ll be ready in your comfiest sweats, eating Cheez-Its out of the box. He’ll hopefully be deep enough to see past the Cheez-Its and ask to buy you a drink.
Two words: smoke signals.
How did people communicate before they had phones? Smoke signals, duh! Sir Broodsalot may not have your number, but he’s sure to notice a massive pillar of smoke on the horizon! There are loads of easy and convenient ways to light things on fire from the comfort of your apartment. We recommend something with lots of chemicals, or maybe a dumpster. Don’t be afraid to get creative! After all, it wouldn’t be the beginning of a relationship without a touch of whimsy. The best part? Once the smoke is billowing, all you have to do is sit back, relax, and sink your teeth into that new Saunders novel until he comes and finds you.
FaceTime random numbers until you find his.
You may have been too zonked to hit the town tonight, but it hardly takes any energy at all to dial random phone numbers! FaceTime is ideal because, while you don’t know your dream guy’s name or what his voice sounds like, you’ll know he’s your perfect mate when you see him! Are the chances slim? Very. But love is about taking chances, right? Now, come to Mama—specifically to Mama’s phone, which she’s holding in one hand while balancing Slouching Towards Bethlehem on her knee with her other.
Set up one of those string-and-can phone things.
If you can already tell you’re going to end up spending the weekend in your rocking chair, clutching your worn copy of Leaves of Grass (and who can blame you?!), stop by the bar on Thursday after work with a tin can and a ball of string. Affix the string to the can, leave the can on the bar stool where you know that hunk o’ man sits, then walk all the way home, carefully unraveling the string as you go. Once home, attach your end of the string to another can (soup again? Don’t mind if you do!), and settle in for a long weekend of screaming into a can in the hopes that your watering hole heartthrob will hear you reacting to this stunning feat of great American poetry.
So what if you never feel like going out anymore? You can find love and get through your whole library haul too with these flirtatious ideas. Enjoy that night in, girl! And don’t be surprised when a certain handsome stranger arrives on your doorstep.