Remember Claire’s, the local mall’s cache of disposable tween trappings? We’ll let you in on a little secret: You can also find barely-passable replicas of high end pieces at Claire’s, perfect for fooling your family into thinking you haven’t lost the valuable, treasured heirlooms they bestowed on you in a time-honored matriarchal tradition. Go from “worst member of your family” to “tied for second” with these plastic, shiny lies.
1. 8mm Classic Pearl Stud Earrings (Was $5.50, Now $5.00)
Ah pearls, their timeless beauty makes them loved by all ages, which lucky for you, means that cheap knock-offs meant for 12-year-olds are available at Claire’s. Before your grandmother gave you the real thing, she would only take out her prized pearls on special occasions. You’ll only want to wear these fakes occasionally; since they’re liable to turn your lobes swamp green and only look real in dim light. No irreplaceable family memories lost here!
2. Antique Gold Crystal Accent Filigree Heart Locket Pendant Necklace (Was $12.50, Now $5.00)
Remember when Great-Aunt Marge tearfully gave you her prized locket after she broke her hip and really thought it was the end? Well, she just keeps living and living and requesting that you wear the necklace she brought over from Russia during the three times per year that you see her. Thankfully, her eyes are not as resilient as her hip, so she won’t notice the difference between her precious locket and this discount piece of crap that’s already coming unglued.
3. Layered Rhinestone Teardrop Outlines Drop Earrings (Was $14.50, Now $5.00)
You’ve heard the story a hundred times: Dad bought Mom her dream earrings after she suffered through 38 hours of birthing you and your abnormally large head. The earrings will be passed down to you when you have a child. That is, they would have been, if you didn’t steal and immediately lose said earrings at a shitty 80s night that no one even showed up to. Good thing these rhinestone danglers are practically the same as diamond ones, at least when you stay half a room’s length away from your mom all night.
4. 18K Gold-Plated Cross Stud Earrings (Was $12.50, Now $5.00)
These simple studs are virtually identical to the 24-karat earrings your great-great-grandfather made for his first project as a jewelry apprentice before everything was destroyed in the Great War. You may have had to viciously attack your eight cousins to nab the originals, before ultimately losing them at the beach, but at $5, nothing will stand in the way of getting your hands on these cheaper, less meaningful crosses!
5. Cubic Zirconia Flower Ring (Was $2.00, Now $5.00)
So you “borrowed” your grandmother’s wedding ring that was made from solid gold and actual human tears for a funny fake proposal prank and accidentally dropped it down the drain? Better act fast before granny realizes it’s gone! Take advantage of Claire’s free shipping on orders over $35 (since you know you’ll lose the replacement, too!), and stock up on 20 or so fun rings! Grandma will probably pass away before you meet a potential husband, anyway! Rings are just objects!! Everything’s dumb, nothing matters, who even cares!!! Ughhhh!!!
Just because older generations have managed to hand down the same jewelry over and over again, with respect and care, doesn’t mean you won’t lose an earring while making out in the bathroom of a Ruby Tuesday after a few mai tais, or showering at the gym, or rifling through the jewelry box of another relative. Never fear! With the sort of authentic-looking jewelry selection at Claire’s, losing heirlooms isn’t such a big deal after all!