Many immigrants come to the United States in search of a better future, often leaving poverty or war in their home country. But there are many of us that know better—they’re coming to the U.S. to wage war on citizens through applying for jobs, pursuing the American Dream, and committing lots and lots of crimes that will be documented weekly by our new president. Many people are wondering, “Why don’t we send them to space?” But if we were to explore space, please remember that things won’t be any different. Here are four space crimes that illegal immigrants are going to commit if we really let them go there.
If we were to allow undocumented immigrants to go into space, we can all but guarantee that they would start firing guns and murdering stars. It’s unbelievable that we’d even consider letting people in space if they’re just going to commit these acts. I’m sure these people are just itching to go to space because they think there are no police out there, but guess what? Yeah, sure, some of them are probably good people, but if you shoot and kill a star, that’s a serious space crime and you won’t be allowed back to Earth.
Deep Space DUIs
It’s unthinkable that our country would allow undocumented immigrants to get on a spaceship and drive it drunk. Doesn’t that just make you furious? Sure, it’s a crime 1.5 million Americans commit on Earth, but it’s even worse to think about it happening by the wrong people out in space, and without a space license. That’s not the America our Founding Fathers dreamed of—because they didn’t even know that space was going to be a thing. Please, don’t let the nightmare become a reality!
If you’re going to have sex in space, it should be with the person you’re married to—but if you’re not an American citizen, who knows who you’ll be boning? That’s right, those who once came to the United States for the supposed promise of a better life are probably itching to commit the illegal crime of intergalactic adultery. Where are the family values? Well, they’re not in space and they’re not on Earth, so that’s a question for scientists, probably. On second thought, that’s actually a question for God.
It’s not even a stereotype to say that a lot of Americans believe that, if we let immigrants go to space, they’d commit space arson. Illegal, much? We can’t afford to have people lighting entire planets on fire, but if we let undocumented immigrants go into the great unknown, they might light a match (something only an immigrant would do!), and the rest is history. Say goodbye to our moon—it’ll be on fire, like a smaller sun. We don’t need two suns, okay? And we don’t need more immigrants. After my grandpa came over from Ireland, that should have been it!
As real Americans, we have to protect our country. Immigrants are a threat to that here, and will be in space, too. Let’s keep the space crime rate down!