With all the stress and responsibility of modern life, it’s not uncommon to feel a little bit out of control. So here are a few ways to create a false sense of order and stability with these totally addictive but ultimately useless rituals that will fit seamlessly into even the most hectic schedule! We’re OBSESSED!
Germs are invisible to the naked eye, so the only real gauge of how clean you are is that constant, nagging feeling that you’re crawling with infectious microbes. That’s why we’re OBSESSED with washing our hands at least three times in a row, at the top of every hour. You’ll know you’re finished when your skin starts to crack and bleed like a kweeeeeen!
Testing the Light Switch
Convincing your boss you deserve a promotion can prove difficult or impossible, but one thing you definitely have control over is making sure the light switches are still doing their thing and those light bulbs are on point, which is what we are SO into in the office right now. Sneak into the supply closet while everyone’s in the break room and pump that little switch to your hearts. See? OMG we fucking love this shit!!
Keeping Every Newspaper Ever
Newspapers are an ideal item to hoard because there’s a new one every day and they stack really well! Don’t be surprised if friends express concern over your rustic piles of yellowed paper, cause ours certainly are! Like we always say: Forget. The. Haterz!!! Put their fears to rest by defensively yelling, “Don’t hate the paper player, hate the digital game!” Honestly, we can’t get enough of newspapers right now and are snatching them up every chance we get.
Avoiding the Cracks
We just can’t stop taking advantage of all those miles of glorious and terrifying pavement. Do a couple laps around the block while staring straight down at your feet, making sure to skip over every crack and crevice, like a boss bitch! We are so obsessed with this we are literally dying over these cracks.
So if you’re struggling to get a grip and can’t seem to rid yourself of that pesky sense of doom, don’t be afraid to fangirl over these ameezing behaviors. But remember, if behaviors are performed out of sequence or at the wrong time of day, something very bad will happen.