The 5 Best Places to Tell Your Friends You’re Sleeping With an Asshole

You’re ready to confess to your friends that you’re having the hottest, most sinful sex of your life with a widely and publicly known asshole. Yikes! This is not the kind of thing you just talk about in public like it’s no big deal. To avoid any open judgment from your dear friends, consider announcing your secret vaginal ventures in one of these non-confrontational locations:


The Beach

Even your most judgmental friends might overlook your sexual submission to a renowned creep when they’re away from the stress of the city and work. With all the sun, sand, and warmth, how can anyone argue with you about anything—even the guy they’ve been warning you about for months? Try to sandwich your carnal confession between pleasant comments about the weather and the water, or as soon as a wave is about to roll in


The Greeting Card Section of Duane Reade

Greeting cards bring extra joy to special occasions and comfort in times of need. Any emotion your friend is feeling after the reveal of your sexcapades with the guy who cheated on your sister AND her sister will instantly be healed by the colors, floral illustrations, and proximity to seasonal candy. Maybe buy her a card while you’re there? She’s a really good friend.



The Beginning of the Movie—in Theaters

Your friend is really excited to see this movie. What better place to divulge your satanic sexual adventure? Be careful to wait for the start of the actual movie and not to start sharing during the trailers, cause describing sex with this asshole is gonna get pretty graphic. Her response will undeniably be, “Shhh! It’s starting!” Done. You’ve made your confession.


Through a Bathroom Door

This is the perfect time to deliver your own down-there news of double-bagging a douche bag, especially right after eating Mexican. If she brings it up again, you’re going to have remind her exactly when you told her (right at the sound of that first fecal plop, obvi), and trust—she won’t want to go there.


Her Loved One’s Funeral

You’re both at a funeral. She’s upset. You’re comforting her in her time of loss. Time to drop the bomb! Her only thought to your getting dick from a dick will be pure elation that you’re living life to the fullest in the time you have left. If none of her loved ones have passed as of late, this could pose a problem. Check her phone, email, and always ask about her older relatives to suss out who’s about to kick it.


No friend wants to hear that her friend is boning the worst guy ever. Being mindful of when to let it slip will keep negativity away, allowing you to keep boinking him for as long as you can live with yourself.