In an exciting story out of Detroit, MI, 29-year-old Natalie Douglas has listened to podcasts so consistently that she has stopped having an inner monologue entirely.
Wow! What a breakthrough!
“Most people use podcasts as a way to escape their own thoughts, or as a reprieve from a demanding inner monologue,” Natalie explained to reporters. “And while that may have been why I started listening to podcasts in the first place, it’s no longer the case for me. I just don’t have thoughts anymore. There’s nothing left for me to escape.”
Go girl! Achieve that minimal brain activity!
Natalie said this development is extremely exciting, as her inner monologue used to be nonstop.
“It was so annoying having a constant stream of thoughts like, ‘I need to empty the dishwasher’ and ‘What’s my purpose here on Earth?’ and ‘One day my mom will die’,” Natalie said. “Now, it’s just the soothing conversational drone of two strangers discussing a movie I haven’t seen. Which is such a relief.”
Natalie added that she has even started listening to podcasts while she sleeps in an effort to override her dreams.
“Conquering my subconscious is the final step left in my pursuit of total inner world suppression,” she explained to reporters. “My dreams still serve as a reminder of my existence, and everything that comes with it, even if they’re largely presented in the form of obscure, dolphin-centric metaphors. The dolphin keeps swimming away before I can pet it. Will I ever be able to feel its slippery hide?”
At this point, Natalie had become visibly distressed, and needed to put on her headphones and listen to a podcast about the Punic Wars in order to destress and clear her mind.
When she had successfully stifled the formation of any independent train of thought, Natalie explained that it wasn’t that the idea of wars calms her down, but rather that two faceless podcasts hosts discussing wars for hours on end serves to clutter up her mind enough that she’s unable to think, ruminate, ponder, or otherwise stew.
Okay, that’s valid!
As of press time, Natalie was still having trouble getting longform, narrative-based podcast episodes to completely override her disturbing subconscious musings, but said she was getting closer.
“I still can’t pet the dolphin, and it still taunts me with a mischievous grin, forever just out of reach,” she said. “But now I can sense Carthage being destroyed onshore behind me, and I have hope that a rogue javelin will spear that bastard dolphin and stop me from feeling anything once and for all. Wait, does the dolphin represent love as a concept? Oh, god, no, I’m thinking again, fuck!”
