Wow! This Woman’s Love Language Is All of Them

After emphasizing that, “It’s all about quantity over quality,” Brooklyn, NY resident Petra Kinsey told reporters Tuesday that her love language is actually all of them.


“When I initially took the love language test, it told me that my love language was words of affirmation,” said Kinsey. “But then I realized I actually also love gifts, quality time, touch, and acts of service. I guess they made a mistake.”


When asked if any of her five love languages ever take precedence over the others, she stated that they are all equally important to her.


“I want to receive all of them, all at once, constantly,” she said. “How else am I supposed to know that my girlfriend loves me? Just because she says she does? I don’t think so. Not unless she’s also rubbing my feet while she says it.”


According to Gary Chapman, the author of the 1992 book The 5 Love Languages, the different love languages are meant to be used as a general outline for both expressing and experiencing romantic love. However, when asked if, in addition to receiving love in all five ways, she likes to express love in those ways as well, Kinsey was thoroughly confused.


“Expressing love? My girlfriend knows I love her,” she said. “This is about how she can prove her love to me consistently, on an hourly basis, until she’s dead.”



Reporters were able to reach Kinsey’s girlfriend Andi Watters for comment, and she looked visibly haggard.


“It’s just a lot to take on,” she admitted. “How am I supposed to engage in quality time, gifts, and acts of service simultaneously? Especially when we’re both at work?”


“But, I mean, if that’s what it takes to make her happy, I’ll keep trying,” Watters added. “Even if it kills me.”


At press time, Kinsey added that she obviously appreciates all that her girlfriend does for her, but it’s been a while since she’s been woken up to breakfast in bed.