Woman’s Quirks Produced Entirely by Brain Tumor

Jennifer “Boop” Hawthorne, the quirkiest woman in her friend group, recently underwent surgery to remove a brain tumor, which turned out to be entirely responsible for her quirky personality and offbeat interests.


Hawthorne, 23, was at a karaoke party singing both parts in the Meatloaf duet, “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” in German with her sock puppet when she collapsed and was rushed to Eastlake Hospital.


“Depending on where in the brain a tumor occurs, it can affect a patient’s personality, making them irritable, prone to criminal behavior, or in this case, fond of speaking in haikus and greeting acquaintances with Eskimo kisses,” said Dr. Elias Bloomfield, who performed the operation.


“Jennifer is now relearning how to speak in full sentences peppered with the words ‘like’ and ‘um,’ and to make socially appropriate physical contact,” he added. “She’s also swiftly forgetting how to speak Elvish.”



While Hawthorne is expected to make a full recovery, her family and friends say her behavior has changed significantly since the operation. Her mother, Marla, reports that she has donated her gypsy skirt collection to Goodwill, quit her synchronized swimming cosplay team, and now orders bagels for breakfast instead of tiny cookies and cupcakes shaped like household objects.


“She’s definitely not the same Boop I’ve come to know and love,” said Hawthorne’s close friend Carolyn Brandt. “She came over yesterday just to give me her vintage Walkman and all her favorite tapes of orca mating sounds, because she won’t be needing them anymore. I asked her what she listens to now and she said ‘pretty much anything Spotify recommends, except rap.'”


Hawthorne, a longtime abstainer from social media who was once arrested in Central Park for trying to capture pigeons to use to deliver her penpal correspondences, now posts on Facebook at least ten times per day, usually to share Upworthy articles accompanied by crying-face emoji.


What’s in store for Hawthorne as she embarks on this new quirk-free phase of her life? She says she quit her part-time jobs as a ferret walker and an elbow model, and is “thinking of going back for my MBA.”