In a devastating story out of Amherst, MA, Lena Brown’s life is in tatters after her hair band broke at a critical moment in the middle of securing her messy bun.
“I just wanted to look like Zendaya, or at least just like, some girl,” Lena said while curled up sobbing in the corner of her bathroom. “But when I felt the snap of the band on my wrist when I was already late to work, I knew my life was over.”
Sources close to Lena confirm that she was in the same spot for four hours.
“She wouldn’t let anyone in there,” Lena’s girlfriend Haley Posada said as she waited outside the bathroom. “I kept trying to reassure her that everything will be okay but she kept scream-sobbing like Sarah Paulson in American Horror Story.”
Lena’s mother Patricia Brown also noted that Lena’s life did go significantly downhill.
“She was fired from her job, her girlfriend broke up with her, and Starbucks discontinued her favorite drink,” said Patricia, who had just hopped off a five-hour call with Lena. “My poor daughter. I think she might have been cursed. Do you happen to know any good witches?”
“Lena is not cursed,” says Haley. “I broke up with her because when I went to help her in the bathroom, she started confessing her sins like she was on her deathbed or something. Anyway, she admitted that she slept with my best friend and had been slowly stealing cash from me.”
At press time, Lena was writing her will.