Study Finds Nothing More Threatening Than Entirely Blonde Family

At the culmination of a 20-year study on fear and stress, researchers at Georgetown University discovered that nothing is more threatening than an entirely blonde family.


“When we conducted our study we presented participants with various stimuli. We showed them various pictures of things like serial killers, puppies, sharks, and babies,” says Dr. Tamera Jones, principal investigator of the study.


“However, we noticed that our participants’ heart rate and cortisol levels were incredibly high when they entered the room. When asked about their day, each participant recalled passing by this all-blonde family before they entered the building.”


The Tuckers, the all-blonde family in question, routinely take their mid-afternoon walks with their two Golden Retrievers near the site of the study.


One participant, James Davis, noted, “The kids were freaky looking. They all also had these piercing whitewalker-esque blue eyes. It felt like I was looking at Hitler youth campaign.”


Researchers explained that the hue of the wispy blonde hair combined with the uniformity of the familial unit activates the fight or flight in the average human being.


“Some participants noted that this family reminded them of vampires,” said Dr. Jones. “This would explain why some entered the office clutching their necks.”



Another participant, who asked to remain anonymous in case the family read this piece, told researchers, “I have literally survived a plane crash and nothing terrified me as much as seeing that family walking towards me. I almost ran back to my car.”


Researchers suggest that all blonde families grow up and dye their hair assorted colors to prevent nationwide panic.