In a earth-shattering story out of Portland, ME, 27-year-old Aria Clarkson has been forced to reevaluate her entire belief system after the weather predicted by the Weather app turned out to be wrong.
“I’ve never subscribed to any organized religion,” Aria told reporters. “But I’ve always abided by a strict, meteorology-based belief system. What grounds me in life is knowing that if the Weather app says it’s going to rain, then it’s going to rain.”
Aria said that spirituality-based belief systems never really appealed to her because she never saw any material manifestations of her faith. In contrast, believing in the Weather app was perfect because all of its predictions were physically evident and based on science.
“Do I understand the science that goes into meteorology? No,” Aria explained. “But I don’t need to! Just knowing that somewhere out there meteorologists are hard at work predicting the exact weather in my area brings me peace of mind.”
Aria continued, saying, “The Weather app guides me through good times and bad. If it says it’s going to be hot and sunny, then I put on sunscreen and wear a hat. If it says it’s going to rain, then I bring an umbrella. There’s something peaceful about putting all your faith in a thumbnail-sized app on your phone. It has never steered me wrong.”
However, this entire belief system crumbled when Aria left the house last Thursday wearing a t-shirt and shorts because the Weather app said it was going to be 80 degrees and sunny all day, only for a spontaneous downpour to occur as she was on her way to work.
“It just doesn’t make any sense!” Aria screamed, shaking her fist at the sky. “If it was going to rain, then the meteorologists should have been able to see it coming! Unless there’s something bigger at play here… Maybe god does exist?”
Local meteorologist Debra Goodard explained, saying, “There are a ton of reasons why the Weather app might get the weather wrong. The atmosphere is constantly changing, so surprise weather can always spring up. Then there’s the chance that you’re viewing the weather for your larger metropolitan area and not your exact location. And then, of course, there is always human error, which is something we have to deal with in every profession.”
In spite of this thoughtful, sensible, and well-articulated explanation, Aria still wasn’t convinced.
“No, it has to be god, or something,” she said. “The concept of human error just doesn’t sit right with me. I prefer divine intervention. I think I finally understand religion.”
As of press time, Aria had completely abandoned the Weather app, saying she wanted to leave her fate “up to the heavens.” Unfortunately, this meant that she decided to leave the house without an umbrella even though the sky was dark and rumbling, because “god is my umbrella now.”
