In an inspiring story of religious discovery emerging from a bedroom in Portland, ME, 26-year-old Martina Gutierrez’s desk has slowly evolved from a functional piece of furniture into a shrine to her empty pill bottles.
“There was a time when I would use my desk for writing, typing, and similar traditional desk purposes,” Martina told reporters gathered at the scene. “But as I’ve been on antidepressants for longer and longer, it’s been overtaken by the detritus of my mental health journey.”
Sources confirm Martina has never once thrown out an old pill bottle in her life, but even she is not too sure why.
“I feel like I’m not supposed to just throw them out normally, right?” she asked, as if reporters would have insight into this. “There’s something about them…it feels odd to just throw them in the trash. They have so much personal information all over them. Sure, I could just take off the little sticker, but what if I need the bottles later?”
Martina has not once “needed them later,” but this hasn’t stopped her from stockpiling pill bottles for miscellaneous reasons.
“I could use one to hold more pills, for example,” she continued, as if she would not be receiving another pill bottle for this purpose. “Or I could also use one for, like, toothpaste on an overnight trip.”
Reporters inquired as to why she wouldn’t just be able to use a toothpaste tube for this, but Martina was too busy stacking dozens of pill bottles into a pyramid to answer.
Given her unwillingness to throw out the bottles, Martina has just been letting them pile up on her desk slowly to the point where the desk is now 90% pill bottle.
“I just have nowhere else to put them,” Martina continued, blatantly lying. “And seeing them like this makes me oddly proud. Look how many pills I’ve taken over the past several months!”
For good measure, she decided to add a framed photograph of an empty pill bottle and place the others around it just to formally set the scene.
“I love my little pill shrine,” she continued. “In many ways, it is an ode to modern medicine. And also an ode to my unique interior design taste.”
As of press time, Martina had googled it and realized she could be recycling old pill bottles by dropping them back off at the pharmacy. She sighed for a long time, then said, “Yeah, I’m never going to do that,” and popped another bottle on her desk.
