Sympathetic parties everywhere are sending their condolences to Boston, MA resident Niamh McDermott, who was initially excited for summer but clearly forgot how fucking hard it is to sleep when it’s hot.
Now it’s barely one month into spring, and Niamh is already “sweating [her] goddamn ass off in the dark, going full nakey in the sheets.”
“I went around for months telling people that I couldn’t wait until it was summer again,” Niamh told reporters. “I even started a Twitter bot page counting down until the first day of summer, which went pretty viral, but who was gonna remind me that it’s fucking impossible to sleep when it’s over 70 degrees out?”
Sources confirm several people did remind Hannah of this, but she chose not to listen.
“I told her to get an air conditioning unit ready,” her roommate, Daniel Schwaartz, recounted. “But she covered her ears and went, ‘Lalalalala! No bad vibes!’ What the hell? Kind of rude.”
“I can’t sleep unless I’m under the covers, but once I’m under the covers, I can’t sleep because I’m too hot,” Niamh outlined. “Is this what they call a Catch-22? My life is uniquely hard!”
According to several sources, a Catch-22 normally has higher stakes than that, but sure.
While Niamh was initially excited for summer activities like water skiing, sun tanning, and hosting block barbecues, she’s mostly experiencing other typical summer activities like sweating out of the part of her butt she doesn’t normally think about, wiping down her upper lip every 30 minutes, and tossing and turning in bed for an average of two hours.
On top of it all, temperatures have only been in the low 70s for about two weeks.
“You’re saying it’s only going to get worse from here?” she asked reporters, who confirmed this is how the seasons work. “How? Do I live on the surface of the sun?” This last question appeared rhetorical.
“Individuals often experience recency bias about the weather: in the winter, they long for summer, but when summer comes, they finally remember how hot it gets. There’s a very limited range of temperature that is genuinely enjoyable, and it only occurs on May 3rd and September 25th.”
“May 3rd and September 25th?” Niamh continued. “Huh, yeah, I guess those are the best days of my life every year. Perfect eight hours of sleep. It hurts just remembering it.”
At press time, Niamh found a box fan in her closet, which did a great job of pushing the extremely hot air around while she still tried in vain to fall asleep. Awesome!