In a story out of Raleigh, NC, 25-year-old Eva Peters packed up her stuff and left work at exactly 4:58 p.m. – making it abundantly clear that she is guided by no defined set of principles and answers to no god.
“I live my life on my terms, and I’m unafraid of the consequences,” Eva, who still checks her work email on her commute home, told reporters. “Leaving work slightly before 5:00 p.m. makes me feel powerful, like I’m in control of my own destiny, and the master of my own fate.”
Sources confirm that Eva usually arrives at work 10 minutes early, works a full eight hours, and keeps taking on new projects from her boss despite not having the bandwidth.
“If leaving a little early makes her feel righteous and empowered, then good for her,” Eva’s coworker, Dalia, told reporters. “I just wish she’d extend that mindset to her actual work, because it’s obvious that she’s taking on too much and it’s burning her out. She’s definitely afraid of our boss, Carol, which is probably why she finds leaving two minutes early at the end of the day so thrilling.”
Some of Eva’s other coworkers feel differently about her proclivity to leave a little early, saying she has “no values,” “no morality,” and that her life is “just one blasphemy after another.”
“Leaving work before 5:00 p.m. is a slippery slope to doing the Devil’s bidding,” said Eva’s coworker and part-time Christian youth group leader, Patrick. “As a God-fearing man myself, I know for a fact that God wouldn’t condone dipping out a little early to get a head-start on your commute, and I try to obey the rules of my religion and live in a way that is considered morally correct. That’s why I always wait until at least 5:30 to leave and harbor a deep resentment for my time not being my own. Also, I’m not afraid to tell people they’re going to burn in Hell.”
In spite of her coworker’s comments, Eva says she has no plans to change her sinful, secular ways anytime soon.
“My coworkers quake in fear at the idea of leaving before 5:00 p.m., but not me,” she said. “I do not toil beneath the oppressive ideals of any authority figure, of Heaven nor of Earth. But I do try to sneak out when my boss isn’t paying attention.”
At press time, Eva had actually become a bit paranoid that her coworker Patrick might tell her boss that she’s been leaving early. To remedy this, she decided to stay late every night for the rest of the week – but on her terms, not because she fears some higher power, like God or Carol.
