Proving that we shape our own reality, 25-year-old Edna Sorel forgot her rings when she was rushing out of the house this morning, but she simply will not let that stop her from playing with them – or rather, the ghost of them – for the entire day.
“The second I walked out of the door this morning, I knew I was forgetting something,” Edna told reporters gathered in her office, where she has been twiddling her thumbs absentmindedly for hours. “I wear my rings on the same fingers every day and play with them relentlessly, but there was simply not enough time to go back. I would have to raw dog my workday without a fidget toy that doubles as a fashion statement.”
Experts confirm that rings are the most socially acceptable form of “little gizmo” that you can play with in an adult setting without drawing attention to yourself.
“The first time you put a ring on, it feels extremely unnatural and heavy,” psychology researcher Jasmine Liu told reporters. “But you soon come to realize that’s the whole point. They’re like little weighted balls attached to your fingers that you can spin, slide, and flip at your leisure. Our research has found that they’re 20% about form, 80% about function. And the function is joy.”
Despite having forgotten her rings, Edna has spent the entire morning fidgeting with the area where they normally sit, such that the rings are functionally serving their purpose without even being there in a technical sense.
“I didn’t notice I was doing it until my coworker started staring at me and asked if my index and ring fingers were itchy,” she continued. “Kind of a rude question, actually. That bitch. Anyway, it’s true! I had been playing with my rings even though they weren’t there, and it felt amazing!”
Edna’s ability to play with her rings without her rings being there has brought up questions about whether the rings, themselves, are even necessary.
“I suppose I’m still getting a lot of the same joy out of the process, which is making me rethink the ring-wearing practice in general,” she continued. “Maybe what I wanted all along was just an excuse to be able to rub my fingers together like I’m starting a very small fire.”
As of press time, Edna’s boss had asked why she was “doing that thing with her hand all day,” and Edna had decided never to forget her rings again, considering people were being such assholes about it.
