Caroline Starkey typically cries a few times a month, averaging about 30 to 40 times a year. But all that changed last week when Starkey reached her yearly crying quota by merely watching a single night of Olympic figure skating.
“It’s just so beautiful,” said Starkey, from her darkened bedroom where she’s been recovering for the last few days. “Just remembering it right now makes me want to cry again but I can’t because I’ve already used up all my 2018 tears. Like, medically.”
Jill Millendorf, a friend of Starkey’s who was with her the night of the incident, confirms that Starkey did, in fact, conclude her year’s crying in one night, adding that they had shared a bottle of wine during the ice dancing event.
“I think the wine was only partially responsible,” added Millendorf. “She started crying pretty much immediately. First because she said the skating was ‘too pretty’ and then because she started looking through all the skaters’ Instagrams and that made her cry even more because they all seemed so nice.”
Starkey claims that the crying took her very much by surprise and that she was shocked to find herself crying even during the commercial breaks.
“I’d sob through the routines,” she says. “Then it would cut to commercial and I’d sob because it was over.”
It’s unclear whether Starkey will recover enough to watch any of the remaining figure skating events of the 2018 Olympics, although she hopes she can.
Starkey’s doctor, on the other hand, wants her to stay far away.
“I’ve never seen anything like this. It seems impossible, but she literally has no tears left in her ducts,” said Dr. Eric Ronson. “I’ve warned her not to watch anymore figure skating. To be honest, I think even a speed skating event could set her off at this point and cause permanent eye damage. And no one really even cares about speed skating.”
Starkey is just glad the crying debacle is over.
“Crying that much because you’re so inspired is hard,” she says. “Plus I need to rest up. The Summer Olympics are two years away and I’m planning on sobbing to women’s gymnastics until I pass out and die.”