Recreational sports leagues can be a great way to make casual friends in a new city – just not for 27-year-old Seattle newcomer Kendall Moer, who primarily uses them to make casual enemies.
“Most people join a rec sports league to make some friends and maybe get some exercise,” Kendall explained to reporters. “Not me. Making friends is fun, but making enemies? That’s life-giving.”
She continued, adding, “Whenever I move to a new city, I need to find some locals I can channel my depthless rage and pent-up hate into. It’s a great way to blow off some steam after work.”
Kendall, who works full-time as a children’s librarian, says the city felt pretty lonely until she found a beginner’s soccer league to join.
“Before I joined this league, I felt like a stranger in this city,” said Kendall, who moved to Seattle after a number of restraining orders made it impossible for her to continue living in Portland. “Not anymore! Now, I get threatening letters taped to my car that make me feel really seen and a space to go where I can engage in barbaric behavior with people who seem to truly hate me. I’ve never felt more at home.”
League administrators informed reporters that this really isn’t what the league is for, and say they have gotten numerous reports of Kendall being “too physical” and “a safety hazard,” plus one tear-stained letter calling her a “wicked, diabolical woman.”
However, while everyone in Kendall’s league has felt her wrath during gametime, only a select few have stood out to her as enemy material.
“You’re not going to instantly loathe everyone you play with,” Kendall said. “And that’s fine! You have to wait to see who you have a real, fucked up connection with, and then relentlessly pursue those people as your adversaries.”
Kendall says, so far, she has made about three casual enemies in her current league.
As of press time, Kendall had been suspended from the league, but her antagonistic relationships have managed to live on outside of the games.
“That’s the great thing about rec leagues: you can keep your enemies even after the season ends, or you’re unceremoniously kicked out,” said Kendall, while in the midst of cleaning egg yolks off her car. “Besides, I won’t really have time for soccer now, as I need to dedicate all my time to figuring out where Venus lives and making her regret the day she was ever born. I know you did this, Venus.”
