After decades of trial and error, 28-year-old Brooklyn resident Alma Langford has finally managed to make the most of a weekend, and all it took was a long, arduous hike to Home Depot.
“I never know how to spend my weekends,” Alma told reporters. “There are so many things I feel like I should be doing in order to live a complete, fulfilling life in two days. Sometimes, I get so overwhelmed that I just end up sitting at home doing nothing, relaxing, and enjoying my space.”
A self-described “inside person,” Alma said she discovered the key to a productive weekend to be “long hours spent outdoors battling the elements followed by a bunch of menial errands.”
“I found that by combining a bunch of activities I hate and only feel pressured to do out of a weird moral obligation, I’ve really optimized my weekends,” she said. “I’m now achieving peak performance on the following fronts: productivity, being out and about, and realizing there’s no sidewalk along the highway and I’m just going to have to walk through the grass. I’ve never felt more stressed out! That’s how I know I’m doing it right.”
Alma added that while she may not actively enjoy her weekends, it’s all worth it in the end.
“By going on a hike to Home Depot, I’ve completely lost my sense of self and any grasp I had on what I was put on this earth to do,” she said. “But now when my coworkers ask me what I did last weekend, I can say ‘hiking’ and ‘Home Depot.’ So, it’s a net positive!”
Reporters were a little skeptical about how she calculated that, but she seemed so happy – if not a little manic – so they just asked what else she did with her weekend.
Alma said that after hiking eight miles to Home Depot, browsing the plant section, and impulse-buying a lawn mower, she then walked the lawn mower eight miles home – but not before stopping off at the farmers’ market to buy some plums she’ll never eat.
“I hate plums and I don’t even have a lawn!” she said, a crazed gleam that might’ve been tears in her eye. “But, you know what they say: ‘No one has their shit together like someone with a bunch of plums and a surprisingly expensive lawn mower!’”
Reporters unanimously agreed that they’d never heard anyone say this, but felt like Alma needed the win, so they kept quiet.
As for her plans for the rest of the day, Alma said she’s probably just going to head home, throw in a load of laundry, deep clean her apartment, vaguely wonder about the gaping emptiness inside of her perpetuated by the persistent demands of capitalistic grind culture, and maybe pick up a Wag shift.
“And then I’m going to make a stew from scratch!” she said, adding that she doesn’t derive much pleasure from cooking but that it “feels like stew season.”
