In an act of self-harm emerging from Ann Arbor, MI, 27-year-old Minnie Tanaka decided it would be a great time to reminisce on the goals she set for herself at the beginning of 2024, considering she loves to cause herself pain.
“As the end of the year approaches, I just wanted to see if I’ve made progress towards achieving my goals, even though I know I haven’t,” she told reporters gathered at the scene, where she was face down on the floor of her bedroom beside her open journal. “It confirmed everything I feared. I haven’t done shit.”
According to an entry from December 31st, 2023, Minnie thought this would be the year she’s “finally quit her job to pursue her dream of making music, find a life partner to share the big and little moments with, move out of her shitty apartment, start a morning routine, and run at least one half marathon.”
In an adorable little bullet list of things she could never hope to achieve, Minnie even broke those big goals into smaller steps, none of which she ever revisited, let alone completed.
“Release one (1) album by November,” an overly-confident 2023 Minnie wrote, as if that were some small to-do item that she could ever hope to achieve in a year’s time considering her work ethic and series of other time commitments.
“Well, that goal is a big one,” current Minnie said, cutting herself some slack. “It’s okay if I didn’t achieve the big, reach goals, you know? Those are meant to be unachievable.”
A few more seconds of reading confirmed that Minnie didn’t even manage to achieve her most reasonable goals, such as reading one book by July, cooking at home more, and taking steps towards learning how to ride a bike.
“I didn’t even say, ‘Learn how to ride a bike’ – just that I wanted to ‘take steps towards learning how,’” she continued. “And even then, I haven’t done it. I haven’t taken any steps! This is pathetic.”
Sources maintain no one asked Minnie to measure her year against the goals she set at the beginning of 2024, but she still did it, because she loves to experience pain.
“I don’t know what I expected,” she continued. “But it’s nice to know that I can’t keep my word even when truly no one is watching.”
As of press time, Minnie added a bullet to the end of the list of resolutions, writing “make it through 2024” and crossing it off immediately to make herself feel better.
