After another tumultuous week, 31-year-old Chicago resident wildwoman Melissa Yardley went on a violent hunt in search of some soothing ASMR tingles.
“I’m rabid for it,” Melissa announced to reporters on the scene. “I’ll stop at nothing to hear some whispers and clicks to get me to chill out.”
Sources close to the incident said they witnessed Melissa walking home, scrolling voraciously through her YouTube app which was littered with ASMR videos she’s already watched thousands of times.
“She didn’t look up,” said one of Melissa’s neighbors. “Pedestrians were flying out of her way like in a race car video game.”.
To be driven mad by the world today is a relatable feeling, and ASMR offers a tranquil solution. However, sometimes, when a person is in too deep, the only time they aren’t feral is when someone is pretending to do makeup on them through a computer.
“I understand that she’s been stressed lately.” shared Melissa’s roommate Sasha. “What I don’t understand is why she needs to bang through the apartment like a rocket every day, slam her door, plop down on her squeaky bed, just so she can go catatonic in front of an ASMR video as soon as possible.”
Sasha’s girlfriend Talia has also noticed this behavior pattern.
“One day Melissa told me I had to be completely silent while she gently tapped things all over the apartment. Then, after twenty minutes she threw her arms above her head and screamed, ‘IT’S NOT WORKING!!!’”
And destruction of personal property is not out of the question.
“Once Melissa threw over a table and some papers fell, and she said she got a tingle from that. But then she got all stressed out again when she realized she had to clean up all her shit.”
“And she keeps asking me to brush her hair,” Sasha added.
When asked about mental health support like therapy, Melissa asked sarcastically, “Lol, you think my health insurance covers that?” and proceeded to laugh maniacally while finding a new video by her ASMR-tist of choice. Once the video began to play, Melissa’s laughter ceased and she appeared tamed as she relaxed into a stupor and fell asleep 4 minutes later.
