As a woman in the dating world, I’m constantly trying to find the right man to spend the rest of my life with. So many people ask me when I’m going to settle down and have someone tell me to read David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest.
Look; I don’t want to rush into things with just anyone. After all, it’s a 1,079 page novel, which is more of a commitment than I’ve ever known. I’m not going to jump right into it just because some guy asks me to on our first date.
That is why I’m waiting as long as it takes to find the man who will look me in the eyes and tell me, “You haven’t read Infinite Jest? Look, you just have to read it, okay? Trust me.”
Call me old fashioned, but I don’t take being told I should read Infinite Jest lightly. I’ve seen relationships crumble because the man rushed the woman into reading the book too quickly. I don’t want to be constantly pestered by a dude to give him updates on what I think. Give me space, and I’ll let you know my thoughts when I’m in the mood!
It’s not like I’m a prude—I’ve read David Foster Wallace before. I love Brief Interviews with Hideous Men and have watched the “This Is Water” speech on YouTube with a few guys. But before I read Infinite Jest, I’ll want to have an open discussion about it first: How many other women has he recommended it to? Is his copy of the book clean, or is it full of notes in the margins? Has he recently been tested on the novel?
A lot of friends ask me, how will I know he’s the right guy? And it’s hard to explain. I think I’ll just know. It’ll be an overwhelming feeling. When I think of him, my heart will race and all of my thoughts will be like, “Let me at those endnotes, baby!!!!”
You know; the way I always imagined being told to read Infinite Jest would be.
Sure, it’s 2017 and women can choose to read Infinite Jest on their own, but that’s not what I want. Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed of the day I’d like a boy so much that I’d read a big dumb book just because he told me to. And then we’d watch the Jason Segel movie together and be like, “This is…fine.” That’s the dream I’ve had since I was five, and I know one day it’s going to happen for me.