Why I Got Adult Baptized So Someone Else Could Give Me a Bath

As anyone who finds God later in life can tell you, adult baptism can be one of the most profound personal events you’ll ever experience. It definitely was for me, although the main reason why I got a baptism was because I wanted, just once, for someone else to finally give me a bath.


I know what you’re thinking: Baptism is holy, and shouldn’t be mistaken for an opportunity for anyone to just get a free scrub-down. But let me be clear: I really did have a religious conversion, and I have nothing but respect for the sanctity of baptism as a symbolic rite. I just also respect adult baptism as a surprisingly streamlined life hack if you want a nice minister in a cool robe to give you a nice lil’ scrub-a-dub-dub.


Can I bathe myself? Yes. Obviously, I can bathe myself. But I’ve been doing that my whole damn life. Sometimes, ya girl just wants to mix it up a little, and get pampered like a goo-goo ga-ga baby. At least, that’s been a key motivating factor in why I decided to publicly profess my faith in front of my loved ones, and come forth as a newly saved soul.



During the actual ritual, I was disappointed by a few details of my bath – I mean, baptism. First, my clothes had to be on, which I honestly thought was kind of prudish, not to mention, extremely contradictory to my own ideas of what I wanted out of a bath, ‘cuz I’m really trying to get all up in my nooks and crannies, you know? It’s a cleansing of the soul, sure, but can’t it also be a cleansing of my pits and ass, since we’re all already here?


Secondly, the Catholic Church apparently doesn’t allow baptizees to bring their own soaps, which is information they should really put on their website somewhere. Of course, I came fully prepared, showing up to the cathedral with a cute little bath kit someone got me for my birthday a few years ago. My priest frowned when I pulled out my favorite Lush bath bomb, so I read the room and put it away. But it was so sad, knowing how close I was from a nice hot fizzing eucalyptus soak – in blessed water, no less.


Despite these minor hitches in the road, my adult baptism was still a great experience. I would highly recommend it to anyone looking to get closer to God, save their soul, or get a church authority figure to rinse your humble corporal sack o’ skin in the loving eyes of the public. Amen!