Why I Couldn’t Care Less About Your Relationsh—Oh It’s Gay? Tell Me More

Relationships are all-consuming when you’re in them, but it’s pretty annoying to hear about someone else’s love life all the time. Just because you’re obsessed with a person doesn’t mean you need to tell everyone around you about their every move. It’s uninteresting! It’s tired! We all have better things to do! That’s why I couldn’t care less about your relationsh—oh, it’s gay? Stop! Tell me more!


Generally speaking, It pisses me off that everyone finds their own form of love so “unique” and “revolutionary.” It’s a relationship, not renewable energy. We get it! Everyone’s been in love–you’re not special! Wait, sorry, did you drop “she/they” pronouns for your partner? As in…gay? Oh my god everything I said does not apply. I love hearing about gay people in love! It’s an act of rebellion! Brave, anti-capitalist, non-conforming, ahistorical, prehistoric, all the -storics! Please, God, please tell me more. What’s their mom like? When did they know?



Anyway, some people assume that if their relationship is exciting for them, it’ll be exciting for me, which is simply not true. Obviously, this doesn’t apply to you because your relationship is gay. Gay relationship. A re-gay-tionship, if you will. It’s not a relationship; it’s a beacon of hope amidst a cruel, destructive world that seeks—at every turn—to cut you down. I need to know everything. Where did you meet? How was the first date? Could we maybe all hang out together?


As for straights, if I’m getting to know someone, I want to hear about what they like, not who they like. Being in love doesn’t make you interesting, you know? Actually you wouldn’t know, because being in love in a gay way is actually the most interesting thing I’ve ever heard. Wow. Sorry, I’m just a little starstruck. So the gay—when did that start for you?


Next time you’re considering waxing poetic about your boring relationship for thirty whole minutes, please stop to consider whether I care. Unless of course that relationship is queer in any capacity, in which case I would love to hear about it nonstop for 24 straight hours. No topic changes, no pee breaks, just a recap of every single time you made eye contact before you finally started dating. Wait, actually let me make some popcorn.