Woman Dying to Tell You She Doesn’t Care What You Think


An Oakland woman was seen Tuesday afternoon demonstrating to local residents how little she cared about what they thought. “I’m having a stressful day,” said Devon Smith, a 27-year-old part-time doula. “It’s a very stressful making sure everyone knows how carefree I am.”


Her morning got off to a rocky start at yoga, where an aggressively thin instructor complimented both her vinyasa flow and her Lululemon shirtdress one too many times for the remarks to be sincere. “I mean, yeah, I’d call myself a yogi,” Smith said. “It’s not a big deal. For the record, I don’t care what she thinks.”



At Starbucks, a particularly curt barista forced her to decide whether or not she wanted whipped cream on her non-fat latte. “Yes. I mean, no. Can you put just a squirt?” she responded, flashing her expensive wallet to compensate for her indecision and to remind the barista who was really in charge. “Or whatever, I’m easy. Super chill,” she quickly added. “It’s just coffee. Just so you know, I don’t care what you think about the choices I make.”


Later that day, she received some serious side-eye from her co-worker Lisa while heating up leftover Indian food in the break room. “Don’t you love Indian food?” asked Smith. “Seriously, tell me you love Indian food, because you’re kind of making me feel bad for heating up my own lunch. Or don’t, no big deal.” Lisa did not respond.


As she walked to her car at the end of the day, Smith encountered a group of construction workers. Before they had the chance to say anything, she delivered a feigned look of disgust and yelled at them, “I don’t give a shit what you think about my body!”


When asked to comment, Smith struggled to form an opinion. “You think I don’t care what you think? I don’t not care, if that’s what you think. Is that what you think? Did someone tell you I care?”


At press time, Smith seemed to care.