In an unsurprising story coming out of Brooklyn, NY, 27-year-old Farah Thompson is unsure why she has been suffering terrible back pain for the last five years, even though she lies down in increasingly weird positions every time she’s met with pushback in any given situation.
So far, Farah has researched possible explanations online, gone to doctor’s appointments, and has even sought out care from naturopath healers in order to heal her back pain, all to no avail.
“I just can’t understand why my back hurts all the time,” Farah told reporters, while in the fetal position on her couch, propped up with one elbow to scroll on her phone. “It’s not like I hurt it in a sports accident or threw it out while lifting something heavy the wrong way. It’s such a medical mystery. I should be studied by professionals.”
Despite several medical practitioners already instructing her to invest in an ergonomic desk chair and to stop sitting on her couch or lying in bed every chance she gets, Farah is still left wondering what the secret is to maintaining healthy back muscles.
“Lying down is good for your back, everybody knows that,” Farah said. “It doesn’t matter if you’re lying on your side, or if you do it for more than 13 hours a day, or if your furniture and mattress are both unforgiving in their severe lack of support. I’m healing myself! I just don’t know why it’s not working yet.”
To try and improve her condition, Farah has purchased some Icy Hot patches, a month-supply of Ibuprofen, and a sleeping mask.
“My body needs rest, obviously,” she continued. “That’s why I’ve also started taking baths every night. The warm water is so soothing.”
While this method may work in some back pain situations, these nightly baths have apparently made Farah’s back pain even worse because it encourages her horrible posture when she leans against the side of the tub.
At press time, after being in searing pain for a week, Farah decided to try standing up and walking more often than usual, with successful results.
“Oh,” she said. “I guess my spine is supposed to be aligned? Looking back, that makes a lot more sense.”
