White House Throws Best Murder Mystery Party of All Time

Chris Christie in the Rose Garden

Read it and weep, Knives Out! As a reward for several months of hard work, members of the GOP kicked back with an epic murder mystery party at the Rose Garden last week – and the twist? There was not a mask to be seen, and SEVERAL people may die.


Straying from your typical game of detective, the unnamed planners of this whodunnit went high-concept: For months, guests were fed red herring after red herring about the harmlessness of an internationally acclaimed murderer. Members of the GOP were told they were attending a celebration of President Trump’s Supreme Court nominee, Amy Coney Barrett, and were even strongly advised against wearing proper attire for the gathering. But sure enough, everyone at the Rose Garden was in for a crazy “gotcha” twist: The murderer was in the crowd the whole time!


“I really had a great time,” said Senator Thom Tillis from an undisclosed quarantine location. “I just wish there could have been some better clues to tell me what might happen at the end? Like, how was I supposed to put all this together?”


The party was so meticulously designed that as the night went on, not a single person in attendance cracked the case. It’s not for lack of clues: The event spanned locations both indoor and outdoor, giving guests plenty of chances to interact with the murderer in a variety of settings.


Still, after all was said and done, no one suspected they were in the presence of a killer. But lucky for them, just hours after the gathering, each guest was administered a specially designed test. Of wits, we assume!


Diana Rifkin, a Professor of Criminology at the University of Delaware, says the psychological strategy that went into pulling off this party game was next level.


“It takes profoundly narcissistic thinking to be so confident that you are invincible against something that has taken the lives of so many,” Says Dr. Rifkin. “Wait, hold on, you think they were having a what?”



While we might never know exactly who was behind Tuesday’s mayhem, supersleuths have their eyes on Hope Hicks, a senior advisor to President Trump.


“Don’t be stupid. Of course I had nothing to do with this,” Hicks said through a bubble pipe, turning slowly toward the window in a burgundy leather swivel chair, where she coughed violently for several minutes.